“How could God let this happen?” This cry of a grieving heart expresses one of the greatest challenges to belief in a loving and all-powerful God. Suffering. It feels like a betrayal as if God has stopped being what He is supposed to be. And as much as we can observe suffering in the world at a distance and wrestle with it there, it takes on a whole new dimension when suffering crashes into the deepest parts of our lives. A cancer diagnosis. A crumbling marriage. The loss of a job or family member. These moments make suffering personal, and the question becomes, “God, how could you do this to me?” How ought we address this sense of betrayal? How can we ever trust God again?

No blog post will answer these questions completely. Not even the Bible does. What I can offer are some thoughts and starting points based on my experience with suffering and wrestling with God’s role in it. If you are undergoing significant trials and your faith is being tested, it is always a good idea to speak with your pastor and/or find a good spiritual director to help you.

What To Do When Your Heart Says, “God, How Could You Do This To Me?”

1) Be where you are emotionally. 

One of the great myths Satan spins that leads us away from God and to despair is the myth of the perfectly happy Christian. Like nearly everyone I’ve met who is suffering significantly, I have felt some degree of shame over my distress. We have felt and said things like, “If I were a better Christian, I wouldn’t be angry, sad, lonely, etc.” “If I were a better Christian, I would trust God instead of being afraid, angry, confused, hurt, etc.” “Good Christians don’t feel this way.” 

One of the fundamental psychological aspects of this idea, if we were “better” we wouldn’t be struggling, is the knowledge that our feelings are at odds with our beliefs. We believe God is always with us and is completely good, yet we feel hurt and alone. It often seems that only one of those things can be true. We typically side with the belief in God, and conclude that the suffering must be our fault somehow, which leads right into that notion that if we were just “better,” it wouldn’t hurt. The glorious truth is that it’s not an either/or. Pain and suffering don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Shame about being distressed is rooted in a lie. You can be both a good Christian and feel abandoned by God, or angry at him, or whatever you feel.

The proper response to lies is to reject them, and a simple prayer to do so is this: “In the name of Jesus Christ, I reject the lie of/that _____________. In the name of Jesus Christ, I proclaim the truth that __________(the opposite of the lie).” In this case, you might pray, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I reject the lie that being angry makes me bad or wrong. In the name of Jesus Christ, I proclaim the truth that being angry is ok and God loves me.”

The book of Psalms is a fantastic place to learn to express the whole range of human emotions to God. Here are a few specific passages that might resonate if you’re hurting and upset or confused with God:

Feeling lonely or abandoned

Psalm 22:1-2 “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.”

Psalm 44:23-24 “Awake! Why do you sleep, O Lord? Rise up! Do not reject us forever! Why do you hide your face; why forget our pain and misery?”

Feeling sorrow or grief

Psalm 6:6-7 “I am wearied with sighing; all night long I drench my bed with tears; I soak my couch with weeping. My eyes are dimmed with sorrow, worn out because of all my foes.”

Psalm 31:9-10 “Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am in distress; affliction is wearing down my eyes, my throat, and my insides. My life is worn out by sorrow, and my years by sighing. My strength fails in my affliction; my bones are wearing down.”

Feeling angry and abandoned

Psalm 88:14-15 “Why do you reject my soul, Lord, and hide your face from me? I have been mortally afflicted since youth; I have borne your terrors and I am made numb.”

Psalm 74:1 “Why, God, have you cast us off forever? Why does your anger burn against the sheep of your pasture?”

When these strike a chord with you, I encourage you to take the time to read the whole psalm. See how the psalmist takes these powerful emotions to God. As you do, bring yours as well. Give yourself permission to feel exactly as you do, and to tell God. God can take it. The first steps to healing and moving through suffering are honesty and acceptance of yourself and what you’re feeling, and then showing up before God with that same honesty and letting him meet you there. Allow yourself the time and the space to grieve.

2) Keep it personal

This seems counterintuitive given how often we are told not to take things personally. Suffering, however, is inherently personal. In fact, it’s one of the inherent characteristics of suffering. This becomes clear when we look at the insatiable need to ask “why?” when we suffer. I don’t ask why my toe hurts if I drop a rock on it. But when I suffer, I ask “Why me? Why this? Why would God….?” And we mustn’t lose this, because suffering can only be answered by the divine. Notice that in the Book of Job none of his friends’ answers, none of the philosophy or theology they could provide, no argument or proof was satisfactory. Lorenzo Albacete puts it this way:

“To suffer is to be convinced that somewhere a source of sense exists even though it always lies beyond our capacity to appreciate and grasp it. Otherwise, why ask?…When we ask why, who are we asking? Suddenly, we realize that we are having a conversation with the mystery. Suffering is a dialogue with Mystery…Mystery’s answer to suffering is always grace – a free grace that comes to us without conditions, without rationalizations, without explanations.” (God at the Ritz)

To keep away from despair and meaninglessness, which are suffering turned inward and running in a loop, we must keep it personal. We must look beyond. We must ask, demand, insist on that question, why? It is only in the person of God that we find an answer. When trust is violated in human relationships, the only way to reconcile is to talk to the person who damaged that trust. It’s no different with God. The only way through is to talk.

3) Learn God’s promises

This step can be very difficult in the midst of suffering. It also can be undertaken at any time as a means of preparation spiritually for times of suffering. After all, suffering in our lives is a matter of when, not if. The sense of betrayal, of lost trust, boils down to a moment when reality and expectation do not match. When the experience is impersonal, we simply call it an error. I thought we had milk in the fridge, but when I looked, there wasn’t any. This incites no feelings of betrayal. When the mismatch happens on a personal level, we feel betrayed. I have different feelings if my wife told me she’d get milk, and I find no milk. Betrayal may be strong for this example, but the difference is clear.

In light of this, being familiar with God’s promises serves us well. Knowing God’s promises helps our expectations align more closely with who He is and how He works in our world, lives, and hearts. It keeps us from chasing after things that aren’t promised. Familiarity with the promises can help us to recognize God’s answers when they do come. God’s ways are not our ways, and it can be difficult at times to discern what He is doing (Is 55:8-9). This is one reason a spiritual director can be immensely helpful.

The best way to know God’s promises is to read the Gospels, and Paul’s letter to the Romans is particularly helpful as well. It is good to read and not only look for what God promises, but also to ask how He promises to answer. Some of the remedies for sin and suffering can’t be expected, at least not fully, until Christ returns in glory, and it’s important to know that! Here are a few verses to get you started:

• Romans 8:14-17 “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.  For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, “Abba,[c] Father!” The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,  and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.”

This passage points right at the heart of this topic, and affirms that God is both present and loves us, even making us his children, AND that suffering will come. Unification with Christ is unification with both suffering AND glory.

• John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”

The key for many of us here is “Not as the world gives do I give it to you.” This promise is an invitation to question and explore deeply what Christ’s peace is.

• John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life.” Rev 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, [for] the old order has passed away.”

God never promises an absence of suffering on this earth, but He does promise that it ends. Suffering no longer has the final say.

• Matt 28:20 “And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.”

We Are Not Alone In Our Suffering

What we face, we do not face alone. When God became Incarnate in the Person of Christ, He suffered as we do. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way” Heb 4:15. Nothing you throw at God is going to throw Him for a loop. There is no struggle in your life that He isn’t or doesn’t want to be in the midst of.

Suffering is a real challenge to faith, but it doesn’t have to drive us from God. Indeed, often, when we suffer, we are closer than ever to God through the act of wrestling with Him as Jacob did (Gen 32:22-30). I find that to be such a powerful image. Wrestling is deeply intimate. You are touching, pushing, pulling, gripping, so close to your opponent that you can feel the slightest shift in weight or pressure. This is what suffering calls us to do with God. Don’t be afraid! Get in the ring, and throw yourself and your experience against Him. Grab hold of the Lord with your “why?” and pray with Jacob, “I will not let you go until you bless me.” Know that you have the prayers of all the angels and saints in chorus with you. 

Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.

Image: Photo by Ali Mkumbwa on Unsplash