Do you ever wonder why your children behave differently than you did as a child? Is one of your children well-behaved while another seems extremely difficult? A study of temperaments can help us parent more effectively, especially if we look to the examples of the Saints.
God gave each human being a dominant temperament (or two) to help us in our mission; our temperament is part of His plan for us. He made St. Francis Xavier a Choleric so he would be fearless in traveling to uncharted places to spread the Gospel. He made St. Therese of Lisieux a Melancholic so that she would feel the pricks and stings of life in her sensitive heart and teach us all the Little Way to sanctity. He made St. Teresa of Avila a Sanguine so she would get along with people, with a strong Choleric streak so she’d get things done. He made St. Thomas Aquinas a Phlegmatic so that he would not be drawn into useless arguments and debates but reserve his mighty intellect to write for God’s glory.
Learning About Temperaments
Cholerics have the strengths of decisiveness, confidence, and single-minded dedication to the goal. Their weaknesses can lead them to be controlling, bossy and domineering.
Sanguines are blessed with popular dispositions: joyful, funny and people-pleasing. They struggle with inconsistency, ditziness, and selfishness.
Melancholics are detail-oriented, sensitive and idealistic. Their desire for perfection can lead them to discouragement, depression and grudge-holding.
Phlegmatics are easy-going, peace-seeking and non-confrontational. They must watch out for laziness and an unwillingness to stand up for what is right.
Do these descriptions remind you of yourself, your spouse, or one of your children?
Let’s imagine you are Choleric. You have big plans for your family, your homeschool, or family vacation. You make chore charts, create a mission statement, and thrive on the structure you’ve created. But if your child is Sanguine, she may keep forgetting her chores. If he is Phlegmatic, you may find him wandering in the back yard watching the snowflakes fall instead of packing his sneakers for the Florida trip. If she is Melancholic, she may be brooding about what her sister said the day before, whining and bogging down in her emotions.
What if you’re a Sanguine parent? You want to have fun and make life one big party. You love your family, and you’re hurt when they don’t want to have a block party, or stage a family comedic play. If you have a Melancholic child, she might roll her eyes at your humor or feel embarrassed when you forget to pick her up from soccer.
If you are a Melancholic parent, you care deeply, have high ideals, work hard to make life perfect. You may be frustrated that your children, despite your best efforts, don’t meet your expectations. You love them, you instruct, but they don’t have your dedication to perfection. They don’t see the point in sweeping up the crumbs to prevent ants in the house or washing their hands before helping with dinner. As a Melancholic parent, you may find yourself complaining more often than praising.
Are you Phlegmatic? Phlegmatic parents are likeable and easy-going, but their children may soon take charge of the household. If you have a Choleric child, you have your hands full. The Choleric seeks control, and the Phlegmatic seeks peace, so you can see how you might give in rather than fight.
We’ve named some of the problems – what are the solutions?
First, decipher what prominent temperaments your spouse and children may have. Then realize what their needs may be. Appreciate their strengths and help them with their weaknesses.
If you know your child is Choleric, she needs to be in charge of something. If your spouse is Choleric, he may feel frustrated if he feels that life is spiraling out of control and that he is not being respected. St. Francis Xavier, St. Paul, St. Ignatius of Loyola are wonderful examples of how Cholerics can turn out.
If your child is Sanguine, he is cheerful, pleasing, and entertaining. If your spouse is Sanguine, she is popular, chatty, outgoing, and will become discouraged if she thinks that life is no fun, and no one loves her. St. Teresa of Avila and St. Peter are great examples of virtuous Sanguines.
If your child is Phlegmatic, she will be no trouble at all and get along well with her siblings, but she may need motivation to do her homework or chores. If your spouse is Phlegmatic, he craves peace above all – conflict disturbs him and he will avoid it at all costs, even saying he will do things and then “flaking” – just so you will stop nagging. St. Thomas More, St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Joseph are beautiful ideals for a Phlegmatic’s imitation.
If you have a Melancholic child, he will be a deep thinker and worrier, but very responsible and hard-working, folding the towels just so and washing the dishes thoroughly. If your spouse is Melancholic, she will love you deeply, work hard at being a perfect parent, and probably become depressed when life isn’t fair and doesn’t meet her expectations. Melancholic saints include St. Francis de Sales and St. Mary Magdalene.
Our Temperaments Are Not Excuses
Our temperaments are not excuses for sin. “Oh well, I’m a forgetful Sanguine!” “I’m a Choleric, what do you expect?” But when we know where our strengths lie, we can lean into them. When we know our weaknesses, we can beware of them and work on improvement. As spouses and parents, we can help our loved ones, in imitation of the Saints who have gone before us, who had these same strengths and weaknesses!
One of the most amazing parts of God’s love is that He knows us so well. “Now I know in part; but then I shall know even as I am known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12) He knows us – our strengths and our faults – and He loves us anyway. Let us ask Him for a spark of this understanding – that we may better know our spouses and children – and love them anyway.
Keep Learning About Personality
Are you grappling with traits that feel more flawed than saintly? Whether you’re impulsive like St. Peter, assertive like St. Paul, or even unpredictable like St. Mary Magdalene, your unique personality is not just a path to heaven, but a canvas for holiness.
God has designed every temperament with the capacity to reflect His glory. Jesus Christ, as in all things, is our ultimate example because he is the perfection of all four temperaments. By following Christ, we meet many saints along the way; saints who may have had the same weaknesses we face, or who endured similar trials in this life. Learning about the saints’ lives and how they used their temperaments to their advantage will orient us towards perfection in Christ.
With vivid biographical anecdotes, Rosemary McGuire Berry will show you saints who have a similar temperament to yours, and through them, you will have the opportunity to learn how to master the strengths and weaknesses of your temperament. Each chapter focuses on one saint but also incorporates others related to that temperament. The chapters include a brief biography of the saint, a discussion on his temperament via examples from his life, reflections, and tips for specific temperaments.
Piety and Personality: The Temperaments of the Saints
Image: Photo by Mieke Campbell on Unsplash
