How I’m Using St. John Bosco’s Teaching With My Toddler… And Why It Works!

by January, Parenting, Saints

Saint John Bosco is well known for his work with disadvantaged youth and his innovative educational methods. In a time when teachers used corporal punishment and public shaming, John Bosco’s methods were seen as hugely controversial. 

Influenced by his first prophetic dream that he had as a young child, as well as by a teacher in his life whom he greatly admired—a teacher who Bosco points out did not use corporal punishment and, as a result, was respected and loved—John Bosco set about to bring youth to Christ not with blows but with “gentleness and kindness” as he was instructed to in his dream. 

His methods are still used today in many Catholic schools, especially by the Salesian order which he founded. As a former teacher, I looked up to John Bosco. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I started implementing his methods, not just when my children were older, but even in those trying toddler years. When I would share his methods with other moms, I heard many say, “Maybe I can apply this to my older kids, but it won’t work for my younger ones.” But in my experience, that hasn’t been the case. I am not the ideal parent, don’t get me wrong. My children don’t always behave perfectly. But when I started applying John Bosco’s methods, I saw vast improvements in my children’s behavior and increased peace in myself. 

How I’m Using St. John Bosco’s Teaching With My Toddler

Here are a few things I implement that make the biggest difference: 

Being my Child’s Calm 

John Bosco emphasized controlling one’s passions or emotions when disciplining youth. “Punishment should be your last resort,” said John Bosco, “No doubt, it is ten times easier to lose our patience than to control it, to threaten a boy than to persuade him. No doubt, too, it is much more gratifying — to our pride to punish those who resist us, than to bear them with firm kindness.”  

He also pointed out that corporal punishment is largely ineffective and should be avoided, saying, “With the young, punishment is everything that is meant as a punishment. Thus it is known that a reproachful look is more effective than a blow.”

I always knew harsher discipline, including yelling, can trigger that fight/flight response (I think anyone can testify to that. Even when the yelling isn’t directed at me as an adult, my anxiety can be heightened if I hear someone yell). While I know in emergencies sometimes you might need to raise your voice to get your child’s attention quickly, I also saw in many situations it was unnecessary. Yet, it was hard not to take things my young child did personally. It was hard not to blow up at them because I was overstimulated and overwhelmed and couldn’t handle the noise. But I thought about what John Bosco said. Almost every time I yelled, my child could see I had lost control. It was obvious. And yelling never worked. My eldest son would become even more defiant in response; my second son would do the same or he would totally shut down and I could see the fear in his eyes and I didn’t like that either. 

After some reflection, I realized I needed to control my passions better. This meant not losing my temper and instead responding calmly and controlled I’m their safe space, their protector and I needed them to see it and not just be told that fact. This did not equate to permissiveness. I still had to discipline my child, maybe even physically restrain them as necessary for their safety and others. I’d still place boundaries and implement consequences appropriate to the offense. 

Once I began responding calmly and not taking their insults personally, it was much easier to calm them down. Once the tantrum was diffused, we could talk about the situation in age-appropriate terms and brainstorm ways they could more appropriately respond in the future. And yes, I had success with this even when my children were as young as two. Toddlers may not be at the age of reason yet. Their brains are still developing; Impulse control isn’t there yet. I am not saying all tantrums ceased, but I saw significant improvement in behavior. I started to see even my child as young as two make use of some of the strategies when angry; for instance, instead of lashing out at a sibling who upset him, he’d go and jump on the rebounder trampoline we had to try to regulate his nervous system or he would take his frustration out on a pillow. 

And, on top of improved behavior in my children, I found myself far less anxious and irritable, and far more at peace. Once I started seeing my child with compassion and as someone who was struggling and needing my help, it was a lot easier for me to be patient with them. 

Treating the Child with Compassion and Respect 

Our society still holds to this “seen and not heard” mentality of old and doesn’t quite see children’s feelings as equal to an adult’s. We often dismiss our toddler’s feelings as ‘not a big deal.’ Of course, to us, it wouldn’t be a big deal. We also have further developed brains, can self-regulate better, and think more logically. By dismissing a child’s feelings, we’re doing them a disservice and giving the impression we don’t care. Of course, the world is harsh, but showing compassion will not make for a child who cannot handle suffering. By giving them tools to help regulate and work through their emotions instead of repressing them for fear of being barked at, we set them up for success. 

It takes great patience to avoid irritation by what we perceive to be petty upsets. I have seen great fruit in handling those tantrums with patience. I let my child be upset and work through their emotions. I’ll still hold firm to the boundaries set, of course, but it’s okay if they want to cry to help them process their big emotions. There might be times I’ll have to regulate how they express these emotions and teach them how to do so healthily, as I know some children can get very aggressive or loud to the point it disrupts the household. Then I might take them to a corner of the house or out for fresh air. I might encourage prayer, an exercise offering our sufferings to Jesus to help regulate their nervous system, or offer a hug. 

Right time, Right Place

“Choose an opportune moment for correction,” said John Bosco, “Nothing is more dangerous than giving medicine at the wrong moment, and a wise doctor bides his time in applying his prescription.” He warns that if you betray the “least sign of weakness, of passion, of impatience,” your authority will not “long endure,” and that “your punishment will not be taken as a remedy for the boy’s fault, but as a vent for your own passion. It can bear no fruit!” 

He also emphasized that one should not correct a child who is still angry since “a correction given at that time would only serve to embitter him all the more.” He suggests giving the child time to reflect, “to enter into himself.” 

I have found that when my toddler is losing it, there is usually no hope of trying to reason with them at that moment. I am better off getting them to calm down first, connecting with them, and then discussing things. Of course, some things require an instant consequence of some kind, but when they don’t, I feel John Bosco’s advice here is golden. 

Get to the Root of the Problem 

John Bosco mentions that there are often hidden motives for misbehavior, and finding those motivations can be useful in correcting them. For instance, I have found that a child who is well-rested, well-fed, and in good health rarely misbehaves. Whenever my toddlers act out, I ask myself: Why? What’s going on that’s making it harder for them to behave well? Are they overstimulated, unwell, tired, anxious, or hungry? 

Getting to the root of the problem and fixing it is probably the surest way I’ve found to prevent misbehavior. For instance, my children can sometimes struggle with new environments, likely because of feeling overwhelmed. The routine has changed; we’re now in a new place. Raising my voice to them adds to how overstimulated they already feel. So, instead, when I see they’re acting a little wild, I’ll pull them aside to a quiet corner if an opportunity allows for it; or maybe I’ll take them outside so they can get some fresh air and get out pent up energy. 

When you view your children as having a hard time and asking how to help them, it changes your outlook and it can help you be more patient. 

Be a Good Example 

The best thing we can do as parents is to embody the virtues we want our children to embody.

“Master your own character, and then you will succeed in mastering those of your pupils.”

St. John Bosco

My children see me going to Mass even when I’m tired and irritable because a teething baby keeps me up all night, which signals to them how important Mass is, far more than any of my words could. When they see me praying throughout the day, a decade here, ejaculations there, looking lovingly up at the crucifix in our home, they remember God’s omnipresence and that our purpose is to love Him above all else. 

This holds true in how we carry ourselves as well. They take note of how I react when angry, what I say, what I do, and they’ll imitate that—good or bad. Trying to correct the bad behavior they learned from me makes me look hypocritical.

When my toddlers resort to using fists when angry, I’ll restrain them and remind them that I don’t hit when I’m angry. Not only will it get them to stop, but I noticed it cut down on those instances a lot to the point that after a certain age, they stop altogether. 

In conclusion, while St. John Bosco’s teachings were originally intended for older children, his principles are remarkably effective even with my toddlers. By remaining calm, treating my children with respect, correcting at the right time, addressing root causes, and leading by example, I’ve seen tremendous growth in both my children and myself as a parent.

These principles aren’t just for parenting—they’re universal and can transform relationships in any context. By applying gentleness and kindness, we’re shaping better behavior and fostering deeper connections and a more peaceful home.

Lent emails Catholic

Photo by Gabe Pierce on Unsplash

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