In my book and elsewhere, I usually write about how to meet more people, get more dates, and enter a marriage-minded dating relationship. Today, though, I’m going to share some advice for when that relationship doesn’t go so well.
Before I got married, I went through three main breakups from boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Each breakup was different. After one relationship that lasted five months, I had to spend over a year healing before I felt ready to move on. After another relationship that lasted a year and a half, I felt almost instantly healed and ready to seek the spouse God had in mind for me.
I also went through many other situations that I guess I would call “minor breakups.” These were times I’d gone on a couple of dates with someone (sometimes non-exclusively) or was only in a “talking” phase, but the connection ended before we got “official.” A couple of my “minor breakups” turned into nasty arguments and lots of awkwardness afterward (and the need to apologize for things I had said). Others were peaceful, even lighthearted conversations, and I was able to stay friendly with the guys afterward.
The differences between the situations stem from how I handled each one. When I brought God and the Golden Rule into the conversation, I was able to have a respectful discussion about the breakup, get good closure, and avoid unnecessary insults. When I stayed too focused on myself, wanting to avoid discomfort and just get the breakup over with, ironically, I experienced longer and more uncomfortable breakups!
As Catholics, we’re called to imitate Christ and love our neighbor as ourselves. Guess what: the person you’re breaking up with (or who has just broken up with you) is still your neighbor! Loving your neighbor during a breakup includes providing closure as best you can so that he or she can heal and move on as easily as possible. It also includes treating your recent ex with the respect he or she deserves as a child of God after the breakup. When you break up with your “neighbor” in a loving way, you always end up treating yourself better, too. (God’s plans are wonderful that way.)
How To Break Up With Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend In A Christlike Way
So, here are six ways to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend (or not-yet-official love interest), along with my take on whether each one is a loving, Christlike way to do so.
- Ghosting Them
Spoiler alert: this is not a good way to break up!
Most people wouldn’t try to ghost someone they are in a committed relationship with, but it is a common tactic for people who are in a “talking” phase online or have been on one or two dates. Some people may think it’s kinder simply to cease all communication than to risk hurting someone’s feelings by telling him or her that you don’t want to go out again. I suspect that this actually stems from a fear of conflict—we’re uncomfortable with causing pain, and the backlash we might receive in response. In reality, ghosting causes pain, too. Most people would prefer to be told directly that their love interest is no longer interested, even if it hurts momentarily to hear that news. It’s even harder to be left in the dark, wondering what happened.
Plus, as the initiator, you can also benefit from choosing to be clear. Ghosting can leave you in limbo, still questioning your own feelings and/or wondering if the other person is going to keep attempting to contact you. Making a definite choice and letting the other person know about it frees you from anxiety and gives you a chance to grow in honesty, bravery, and healthy boundary-setting.
So, even if you’ve only been talking, be brave and say something to end the connection.
- Sending a Text
This usually isn’t a good breakup method either.
A text feels like an easy way to break up, because you can carefully craft your words, hit “send,” and then turn off your phone, without having to see or hear how disappointed and hurt the other person feels. However, similar to ghosting, texting to avoid a difficult confrontation has its downsides.
If you have only gone out with someone once or twice, and you’re simply declining another date, a text might be appropriate. Even then, I recommend asking for a quick phone call, or even breaking the news face-to-face if you see each other regularly. The extra information from your tone of voice and body language, along with the opportunity to ask questions and discuss the breakup, can go a long way toward an amicable ending. Again, see this as a chance to grow in courage and kindness.
If you’re in a committed relationship, the in-person conversation is imperative. If you’re long-distance and really cannot break up in person, you can substitute a phone or video call. Either way, a text should only be used to schedule a good time for a call or meetup, not to deliver the bad news.
- Saying, “We Need to Talk”
In my opinion, this (or a similar phrase) is a good idea.
Rather than surprising your boyfriend or girlfriend with a breakup during a date or hangout that seems completely normal, offer a gentle warning that something serious is coming up. Say that you need to talk about something, and ask if it’s a good time to do so.
In my dating days, I was on the receiving end of both ways of delivering the breakup message: the sudden, “This isn’t going to work out,” while I was rushing to an important event, and the gentler, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” The second made it much easier for me to gather my thoughts to make sure I got closure. So, however you choose to phrase it, do imply to your boyfriend or girlfriend that a serious conversation is about to happen and ensure you both have enough time for it.
- Giving Reasons
This one is an “it depends.”
If you have only been on a few dates with someone, and your real reason for ending the connection is that you just don’t find him or her attractive, it’s not necessary to get specific with your reasons. You can simply say, “I really appreciated getting to know you, but I don’t see this going further.” If the person asks for more information, word it as gently as possible: “I just don’t feel that way about you,” or “There’s a certain spark missing.”
If you’re in a deeper relationship, offer some reasons for the breakup. Think carefully and pray about your reasons in advance so that you can share them charitably. Even if you have seven reasons, choose the one or two that are most important to share. Start your sentences with I more than you, so that you don’t come across as accusing someone of a fault; instead, you’re just explaining your own decision.
For example, let’s say you have realized that your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t agree with your beliefs on chastity and saving sex for marriage. Instead of saying, “You’re unchaste and leading me into sin,” say something like, “It’s really important to me to save sex for marriage; it’s what God teaches us to do for our happiness and holiness. If you don’t share the same values, I don’t think we’re a good fit for each other.”
Sometimes, you will have to be more blunt, but try to follow the other person’s lead. Provide as much information as they ask for, rather than overwhelming him or her with a list of complaints.
- Keeping Your Options Open
Sometimes, your boyfriend or girlfriend will hear your reasons and respond with assurances that he or she can change, or explanations of the misunderstanding. Maybe, as the conversation progresses, you start to reconsider your decision. Should you be open to staying together?
This is hardly ever a good idea. Before embarking on the conversation, you’ll need to accept that the breakup is necessary and permanent.
If the issues that are leading you to consider a breakup can be easily resolved, try to resolve them without mentioning a breakup at all. Beware the temptation to use the threat of a breakup to force the other person to change—that’s manipulation, and it is not Christlike. Similarly, don’t fall into the trap of allowing yourself to be manipulated into keeping the relationship if you do have valid, serious reasons for breaking up.
What about “going on a break”: breaking up, but with the explicit option of getting back together in the future? Again, it’s rare that this turns out well.
I once went through a hard breakup. My ex-boyfriend and I mentioned the possibility of getting back together in the future, but without any timeline or specific criteria for doing so. For many months, I waited, hoping he would get in touch and say, “Let’s get back together!” but it never happened. Finally, I saw him with another woman and realized he wasn’t waiting around for me the way I was for him!
On the other hand, I have a friend who broke up with a man who was struggling with an addiction, but agreed with him that they would have a conversation a few months later to check on his progress toward recovery. Because of his many other good qualities, I agreed with her decision to take a break. It was better than either staying in the relationship, hoping he would change, or refusing to give him another chance despite a change. (As it turned out, they never got back together.)
So, unless there’s a very good reason and an agreed-upon plan for when and why you might get back together, don’t keep the door open on the relationship. Stand firm and close the door completely, so that both you and the other person can grieve, heal, and move on.
- Praying for Guidance
This one is not only a good idea, it’s absolutely necessary for any breakup.
As I suggested in Number Four, pray about your reasons for breaking up. Ask God to help you know whether you should break up at all. If so, ask for the courage to do so well.
Ask the Holy Spirit to inspire your words, so that you can communicate clearly and kindly. Ask for an extra dose of divine charity to help you love your neighbor as yourself in this difficult situation.
After a breakup, pray for peace and healing, and use your freed-up time to deepen your relationship with the Lord. A healthy relationship with God is the best foundation for your next human relationship.
Bonus: Venting Afterwards
How should you love your neighbor after the breakup happens?
If you were the initiator of the breakup, you may feel the need to justify yourself by recounting your reasons to others. If you were on the receiving end, you might try to make yourself feel better by finding flaws in your ex or venting your anger about the breakup.
It’s natural to want to talk to someone when you’ve gone through something difficult, but this needs to be done the right way. It’s okay to share the story of the breakup with one or two close friends or family members as part of your grieving process. It’s not okay to ruin your ex’s reputation unnecessarily by talking about all his or her flaws to everyone (see Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 2477 on the sin of detraction).
This is particularly true when you’re talking to people who might date your ex in the future. Unless there’s a very serious red flag that you feel called to warn someone about, it’s better to say as little as possible about your ex to other single people, allowing him or her to make a fresh start. Remember the Golden Rule: if you wouldn’t want your ex gossiping about your flaws, don’t do it yourself!
So, what are the dos and don’ts of breaking up as a Catholic?
Don’t manipulate, threaten, accuse unnecessarily, spring the news on him or her without warning, act and speak too hastily or too vaguely, “ghost,” or leave the relationship status ambiguous.
Do use the Golden Rule: treat your boyfriend or girlfriend how you would want to be treated, to the best of your ability. Pray for guidance and consider carefully whether you really need to break up and why. Select your top one or two reasons and consider how to present them to your boyfriend or girlfriend as charitably as possible, using I phrases instead of accusations wherever you can. Gently ask for a good time to have a serious conversation, then lay it out for him or her kindly but firmly. Pause and allow the other person a chance to take in what you’ve said and ask questions if needed. Make sure you’ve given the other person as much closure as you can, and try to wish him or her well as you part ways.
If you’re on the receiving end of a breakup, whether your boyfriend or girlfriend followed these tips for good breakups or not, try to collect your thoughts and ask all the questions you need to get closure. Accept that everyone has free will and can choose to continue a relationship or not. Try to close the door completely, mourn for as long as you need to, then move on.
Afterward, be choosy about with whom you share details of the breakup, and avoid unnecessary gossip. Instead, pray for your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend! Ask for the grace to continue to see your ex as a son or daughter of God. This is the most charitable act of all.
While we’re at it, be assured that God only allows the pain of a breakup because He has an even greater joy in mind for you. I know plenty of couples—myself and my husband included—who look back at all their past breakups and disappointments and say, “It was all worth it, because I’m so glad I married this person rather than anyone else.” Each time someone broke up with me, I thought, “But he was perfect for me! I can’t imagine anyone being better!” Each time, God surprised me with someone who was even better for me. Finally, my husband came along, and he is truly so much better for me than the men I previously thought were perfect. So, hold on tight to hope, and trust that God is doing something amazing for you, too.
Image: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
