So how does one practically move from lusting after one’s wife to learning how to love her? Warning: this is not a simple list, but takes a lot of grace, humility, and effort. Buckle your seatbelts, gentlemen.
10 Ways To Love Your Wife (And Stop Lust)
- Dump the porn. Your wife is not a porn star. Even porn stars are not really porn stars. They are daughters of God, made in his image and likeness. Everything that you see is staged. What you are viewing is an act of exploitation. The mental maps you are developing by watching creates impossible standards of comparison that leads not to an orgasmic ecstasy but rather to a disappointing isolation. The only way to cut out false expectations is to dump porn all together (Need help in this area? We can help. Visit freedom-coaching.net and drop our team a line).
- Spend time actually listening to her. Get rid of the distractions: your phone, TV, laptop; anything that has notifications and takes you away from actually listening to her. If your kids are a distraction, dump them too! (Just kidding. But maybe they need to learn how to be quiet when dad and mom are talking.)
- Date your wife. Whoever came up with the idea that you don’t date anymore because you’re married is a knucklehead. When you’re married is when you need to go all out and have more dates with your wife. You had to date your wife before marriage (unless she found you on mailordergroom.com). Now that she’s your wife, till death do you part, this demands 100% of designing and executing date night. Thus look into things that she’s interested in and wants to do, make a plan, and make it happen frequently. (FYI: A poker game with the guys as she serves hors d’oeuvres is not a date, nor her idea of a good time.)
- Help her to grow as a person in her skills and passions. Focus on activities that have no strings attached and have no expectation of anything afterwards. Help her to grow by giving her time to explore and discover activities that she’s interested in. Then…talk with her about her experiences.
- Cultivate a culture of beauty in your home. Art has a major role in conveying the beauty of God’s creation, especially the human body. It is essential to cultivate a culture of beauty through art, for in doing so, you will appreciate the inner and outer beauty of your wife.
- Practice 5 positive affirmations to 1 negative critique. It is difficult to never hurt someone’s feelings, especially when you’re in the same living quarters for life. The way you do things are different and there will be critiques, but for each critique you should have 5 affirmations for your wife. Lust is a breeding ground of bitterness and resentment. The opposite is praise and gratitude. Fill your relationship with this and watch your wife bloom.
- Grow in your relationship with Jesus – individually and as a couple. You are an image of the divine bridegroom. It is your responsibility to guard the heart of your wife and marriage. Invite Him into all areas of your life, including the intimacy you build in your bedroom. Any pleasure on this earth is a pale foretaste of the ecstasy we are destined to participate in Heaven. Thus learn how to love from the heart by going to Jesus Christ, individually and as a couple, and you will unleash heaven on earth.
- Go to confession. We mess up because we’re broken human beings. And to put two broken human beings in the same house and say just “work it out” is asking for trouble. We have a Father who is merciful, always waiting for us to come back to him. Reconciling ourselves with God will enable us to reconcile more easily with our wives.
- Pray the Rosary. Our Lady is the perfect symbol of femininity and womanhood. This small 20 minutes of sacrifice of time will pay huge dividends in your marriage. Ask Mary to guide you in loving your wife, and she will unlock for you the secrets of your wife’s heart.
- Learn your wife’s love language. We tend to focus on how we receive love, and then hold it over the other person to deliver that. But that is not the way to happiness, but instead to serve the other without any expectations of returns. Try this instead: Learn how your wife receives love. Then, show your love for her daily in a way that she recognizes your love. This is how you fill her cup, and increases the likelihood that she will reciprocate love to you.
So there you have it. Gentlemen, love your wife, treasure and cherish her. Let us become who we are called to be as men of God – genuine lovers and not users of our wives. By doing so, we will fulfill the law of Christ for our marriage.
Image: Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash
