Do you desire to have a lifelong Catholic marriage? In the twenty-first century, that is a tall order. How can we be sure if we are dating someone that if we marry we will be able to persevere?
How important is that perseverance thing? For a Catholic—indeed for any Christian—it’s extremely important. Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.” (Mark 10:11). And, even in the Old Testament we find, “I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel…” (Malachi 2:16). So getting married is a lot more serious than asking a woman to a dance.
The First Step To Seeking A Good Spouse: Prayer
To have a lasting Catholic marriage, you must be very smart about dating. The first step in seeking a good spouse in courtship is to pray, and not just an Our Father, Hail Mary ,and a Glory Be. I recommend praying at least the rosary and attending some weekday Masses in addition to Sunday Mass.
When I was a senior in college I met a lovely young woman from California who I thought could be The One. Beautiful, bright, with a good disposition. She was Catholic but didn’t often go to Sunday Mass, and was into marijuana. I prayed like crazy and attended several extra Masses a week. “Lord, guide me in this courtship. If this is The One please show me your will. If not, please break us up. And, please tell me soon.” He answered that prayer. She broke up with me.
Alas, I was of the mindset that because she was beautiful and I liked her, we could be a good match. The issues of premarital chastity, birth control and number of children never crossed my mind. I had a lot to learn.
John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, writes that sharing the same values is extremely important in courtship. He also said that after a good number of years of marriage a person often treats his spouse the same way he treated his siblings. How does he treat his siblings?
Are You A Good Candidate For Catholic Marriage?
To have a chance at a lasting marriage you must consider if you are a good candidate. Number one, do you have an anger problem? If so, you should do all in your power to overcome it, including getting counseling if necessary. (See my book, Overcoming Sinful Anger) I’ve seen a number of marriages that otherwise looked great that failed because one or both had anger issues. Anger is poison for marriage, and is part of pride. Humility is an essential virtue for a successful marriage.
A powerful marriage builder is praying together every day. A 1997 Gallup Poll found that couples who spent time praying together regularly had a divorce rate of one in 1,152. Good insurance!
Relationship expert John Gottman says you need to discuss serious differences even if it causes some anger. If it does, you need to have five positive interactions (a hug, a kind word, a warm smile, etc.) to counter each negative.
My favorite marriage article described three activities Pete McFadden practiced with his wife to keep their marriage from stagnating. First, when they greet each other at the end of the day, they dance. Second, each morning they spend two minutes telling what their day will be like. And third, they spend time before retiring thanking each other for what they did for them during the day. Brilliant.
Affection is so important in a marriage. Hugs, gentle touches, and reaching for a hand can do wonders. It seems that affection is nowadays seen as just a prelude to sex. A group of devout young wives told me that when their husbands get affectionate they push them off if they’re not ready for sex. What an impoverishment! Marital affection should be a language of love by itself, without any intention for sexual intimacy. And studies have shown that hugs lasting 20 seconds or more produce oxytocin, lower blood pressure, and reduced cortisol in the woman. Men have told me they have experienced benefits as well.
There is a lot riding on having your marriage last. But it won’t happen without some effort.
Marriage for God’s Sake: A Guide for Catholics
Keep learning from Fr. Morrow in his new book Marriage for God’s Sake: A Guide for Catholics. Marriage for God’s Sake, a practical guide for Catholic couples to live marriage according to God’s plan, is filled with examples of spouses overcoming difficulties and living out their holy vocation of matrimony by serving each other in generosity and bringing forth and nurturing holy children. Fr. Morrow includes in the book as well an explanation of Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.
Image: Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
