Find the first part in this series on Loving Your Wife HERE.
Before we can go into specifics about how to transition from lust to love with your wife, let’s examine why developing a look of love – with your eyes and your heart – is so important for your wife and your marriage:
10 Reasons To Choose Love Over Lust In Your Marriage
- The Personalistic Norm. The person is the kind of good who does not admit of use and cannot be treated as an object of use; as such, he or she is never the means to an end (Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, pg. 41). In other words, the human person should always be treated as a gift.
- This is why you’re created: To be loved & to love. If you’re honest, it’s also the reason why you got married.
“What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels? If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing unless I loved others. – 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3
- This is why you’re married. You signed up for this. To forsake all others and devote all of yourself – your mind, heart, soul, spirit, body, time, attention, money, etc., to your wife.
“Betrothed love differs from all the aspects or forms of love…Its decisive character is the giving of one’s own person (to another). The essence of betrothed love is self-giving, the surrender of one’s ‘I.’ “(Love & Responsibility, p. 96)
- God commands you to love. To love is not an option; it is the way to fulfillment, peace and joy. For the Christian, the way of love is essential for salvation.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. – Ephesians 5:25-29.
- Lust never satisfies. Lust leaves a bad aftertaste. Intercourse – and the actions connected to this act – entered into without love, is merely a pleasure-filled experience that leaves one feeling used and the other (maybe) momentarily satisfied. Yet, if you’re honest, you don’t feel like it was the best thing ever. Guilt, shame, and self-hatred will rip through you. No matter the stories we tell ourselves, our inner being knows this adulterous act is wrong.
- You’re building your legacy. As you continue to invest in your relationship with your wife and marriage, you will develop a friendship, partnership, and a beautiful legacy that your family and friends can aspire to have. By learning to love as Christ loves His Church, you’re one step closer to Heaven.
- You’re witnessing to your children. Your kids will learn to be loved as God made them to be, as well as learn what it means to love. They will feel secure in your home, growing in their identity as men and women of God, learning to reciprocate this with others.
- It’s fun to actually grow old with someone. Marriage is a lifelong Sacrament that takes a ton of work in the beginning. Remember: you reap what you sow. When your kids grow up and leave, it’s your wife with whom you’ll be spending the rest of your days. I’d like to spend my golden years with my wife who is my best friend; don’t you?
- Your marital intimacy will be better. Isn’t this a good enough reason just on its own? If you think lustful sex is pleasurable, imagine the kind of sex life God created you to have, when true love is the driving force. Why would you deny yourself – and your wife – this?
- You were built for sacrifice. To be a disciple of Christ, one must take up His cross daily and follow after him (cf. MK 10:45). This is not something that automatically just happens; it is a day-by-day journey you are called to undertake. It’s built into our masculine bodies to make a gift of self. It is in sacrificing little momentary pleasures for the good of others that creates the discipline necessary to grow in the virtues of the saints. If you practice this, your wife will thank you and you will have peace in your home.
About the Author: Steve Pokorny is the Founder of Freedom Coaching, a one-to-one mentoring system designed to break the power of pornified images in both men and women. His book, Redeemed Vision: Setting the Blind Free from the Pornified Culture, is available from Amazon.
Image: Photo by Nathan McBride on Unsplash
