It is common to enter dry spells in one’s marriage. Those warm and fuzzy feelings during the honeymoon phase sometimes come and go, affected by hormones, fatigue, and various stages of life. Even still, I know that it can be unsettling. You’ve committed to spending your life with this person, and now it suddenly doesn’t seem as exciting as it did before. In fact, maybe you dread the thought of it. Maybe you wonder if you still love them.
Luckily, as Catholics, we know that love is more than feelings—it is an act of the will. As the Catechism teaches, “to love is to will the good of another.” To will is to choose the good using the light of reason rather than emotion alone. With this understanding, entering a dry spell in your marriage does not mean you no longer love your spouse.
But there are some things you can try to rekindle your connection to your spouse, even if that doesn’t include the warm-fuzzy feelings.
What To Do When You Feel Disconnected To Your Spouse
Pray together
As they say, the couple that prays together, stays together.
If your husband isn’t Catholic, see if he’d be open to something basic and short like the “Our Father”. If he’s opposed to prayer altogether, then I’d recommend praying and offering up sacrifices for him.
But praying together is a sure-fire way to strengthen your relationship. Marriage is hard even for devout couples who know how sacred it is. The surest way we can keep our marriage strong is to invite God to dwell at its center.
My husband and I try to carve out time for prayer as a family where we say the rosary and some other prayers. But we also make time to pray together, just us two,whether that’s a novena for a special intention we share, or the rosary. I find this is so important. It’s a great example for our kids, but it also helps us realize what the purpose of our marriage is, that we are meant to help each other get to heaven.
Carve out alone time to spend with each other
Now, this may not always be possible to do daily if your husband works long hours, or you’re busy with a lot of little kids, but it’s important to spend some alone time together. You don’t need to get out of the house and go on a proper date for this, either. I understand that when there are children in the household, it may be hard to find childcare or be able to afford it. That’s okay. You can easily do this at home. That might mean the baby still has to join you, but a baby as a third wheel isn’t going to lessen those deep conversations. And if you find deep conversations are hard to come by, grab a board game to play together, or ask each other random questions about preferences like you would on a first date.
I know I require this time with my husband to fill my emotional needs. If he ends up working long hours and we have to go without that alone time together, even if we are still able to spend time as a family, I definitely start to feel burned out and restless. Even if it’s just half an hour of conversation, it helps so much to reignite our love but also make us both feel wanted by each other.
Plan family outings together
Family outings can be such a special time to bond. If you have children, seeing your spouse interact with them can deepen your love for him/her.
I would recommend planning a trip to the zoo, the library, local parks, and museums; even a simple trip to the grocery store could be a bonding opportunity for the family. It sounds silly, but it’s true. I love shopping as a family. Watching my husband let the kids push the buttons or slide his card into the register is such a tender moment; seeing my kids push the miniature carts and pick out the things I tell them we need, and then trying to help them steer their carts full of groceries. Even those simple things in life, such as going to the store as a family, can be special when shared with loved ones.
Communicate Your Needs
It’s so easy to play the comparison game, or to focus on our spouse’s faults with a magnifying glass and not on all the positives.
Be open if something is bothering you. If you want your spouse to gift you flowers, or include you in the decision-making more, tell them. So often the biggest wedge in a relationship is driven by misunderstanding.
Perform the marital act
Every time a Catholic couple performs the marital act, they often deepen their union. This act isn’t just for your satisfaction. Each time, there is the possibility of participating with God in the creation of life, which is remarkable. It is an expression of love.
While there may be seasons in life that require abstinence, the marital act isn’t something that should be put off frequently when either spouse requests it. Doing so unnecessarily could drive a wedge in your marriage.
Your marriage is more than just a piece of paper, more than just feelings, more than a whim. It’s okay if, after the newlywed stage, you lack the butterflies. That’s pretty normal for many couples and is not an indication of a lack of love. I highly recommend that, when you feel disconnected from your spouse, you try some of the suggestions above.
