Most of the time, when we hear about modesty, the focus falls primarily on attire, and too often these conversations are carried out with little charity, fixating solely on examples of immodest dress rather than unpacking the truth of the virtue itself. When modesty is reduced only to clothing and framed as merely a call for women to “cover up,” the virtue becomes flattened, failing to reflect the many ways it is expressed in behavior.
As time goes on, and as the use of technology and media becomes increasingly integrated into our lives, I notice the greatest examples of immodesty of our time are not found in revealing photos of scantily dressed women. Though we are in the age of OnlyFans, and social media can be a hub for accessing borderline pornographic images, these examples are merely flowers, shall we say, of a plant of immodesty that has much deeper roots. The more prolific examples of immodesty in our time are found in our incessant sharing online.
From the infamous TikTok trend of women giving their hot takes while putting on their makeup in the morning, to “What I Eat in a Day” reels on Instagram, we have gone far beyond posting on social media for special events and milestone occasions. Now we record every moment of every day. From a brief creep on someone’s Instagram, you can quickly uncover a person’s deeply held values, what that person is wearing, eating, and how they are habitually spending their time.
I remember one of the things I was most excited about when getting married, and subsequently moving in with my now husband, was being able to witness all the ordinary moments of his life. I looked forward to discovering what he did first thing in the morning, how he spent his random free time on a weekend at home, and what a hodgepodge meal looked like when he had little food in the fridge but did not feel like going to the grocery store. Although it sounds silly and surprising, observing all these ordinary moments also meant receiving a deeper intimacy with the man with whom I had become one.
As I observe this oversharing of clips and pictures on social media of people presenting a curated version of their ordinary life, I find myself wondering, Is a personal life no longer something to be valued and slowly uncovered? Has knowing someone ceased to be a privilege that must be earned through time, trust, and love? Has curiosity outpaced virtue, no longer willing to wait and prove itself worthy of what is hidden?
In addition to these more innocent but invasive posts, we also find people documenting the most extreme moments of consolation and desolation known to man. What once only occupied the sacred pages of a diary is now on display for everyone to see. What used to be shared only in a heart-to-heart conversation with a trusted friend is spoken out loud for strangers to hear. What used to be holy ground for only God to enter is now a communal space for all to come and go as they please.
I am all for people sharing their testimony, but I fear that binge-watching, listening to, and reading testimonies on demand has given us an unrealistic appetite and expectation for what a lived relationship with God looks like. In a similar way that pornography distorts the view of the human person and sexual intimacy for those who consume it, I wonder if the excessive sharing of every nitty-gritty detail of our lives is also distorting our view of the human person and the person of Jesus Christ.
The Catechism tells us that “Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden (CCC 2521).” Though some might argue that there is no harm in sharing the details of our daily lives, claiming we should normalize this sort of ordinary content to make social media less of a place of ideals and more of a place of authentic lived moments, I think the ever-present awareness or perceived need to post on social media robs us of a deeper awareness.
I wonder if the little voice that now lives in each of us, reminding us to post, share, record, and to probe the profiles of strangers and acquaintances alike, holds more authority in our hearts and minds than the Spirit of God. For how can we hear the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit if we have allowed our intimate center to be occupied and exposed to countless followers online?
It is not lost on me that there is irony in writing on this topic. Admittedly, I have spent more than a decade using social media and working in online evangelization. As much as I would like the solution to be simply disconnecting from technology, the humbling truth is that to be a functioning member of society in such a time as this, going completely off the grid is not an option for most people. Like it or not, technology and the digital world are here to stay.
Perhaps the invitation is not to leave the digital world altogether, but to begin living within it with greater intention.
Before sharing something on social media, it is worth asking, Have I shared this with the Lord first?
Have I presented Him with my heart before publishing it online? Not only in the big moments of my life, but even in the ordinary ones. When I see something beautiful, like a flower on the side of the road, do I first receive it as a good gift from above, recognizing that it comes from the Creator, before showing it to the rest of creation?
I also think it is worth examining the state of our relationships offline. Am I first sharing my life with the people who are actually a part of it? Can I bring these moments to my family, my friends, my community, before sharing them online? These parts of my life should be the first fruits of what I receive from the Lord, not something I immediately distribute online, but something first given to those who have been entrusted with my life.
Finally, can I allow myself to simply live an experience without feeling the need to record or share it? Can I offer up my phone for a day, or even for the duration of a particular moment, and receive it as it is? So often the only time we step away from our phones is when it is required of us, during work or on retreat. Can we choose it freely? Can we die to the desire to fill every quiet moment with doom scrolling and instead just sit in the silence? Can we enjoy an event without needing to share it with the whole world? Can we allow something significant to happen in our lives without publishing it for all to see?
These are not rigid rules, but small invitations. Invitations to recover a sense of what is sacred, what is meant to be shared, and what is meant to be held. In this way, modesty in the digital age becomes less about restriction, and more about rightly ordering our hearts to safeguard the intimate space that exists in each of us.
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