That Little Feeling You Can’t Ignore
Have you ever had one of those moments where you just feel this irresistible pull? Like a tiny “nudge” in your heart that pushes you to act, simply because you know deep down it’s the right thing to do? Have you ever felt that kind of nudge, too?
For me, it all started back in December 2010. I’d just stumbled upon a really fascinating book by a well-known Catholic writer here in our country. Someone who’s also a big-time speaker.
But here’s the crazy part: even though I hadn’t even finished the book yet, I happened to flip to the back and found an invitation. It mentioned that the author actually led a Catholic community every Sunday, a group of believers who follow Jesus together through faith and service.
Right then and there, I felt this huge spark of curiosity. I just had to see him in person and hear him speak live. Honestly, it felt like a magnet was pulling me in!
“In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.” ~ Romans 8:26
I remember turning to my sister and saying, “Hey, let’s start the year off on the right foot. Let’s go to the Mass and finally hear this guy speak for ourselves.”
Coming Home To The Catholic Church After 15 Years
I have to be honest with you; I hadn’t actually stepped foot in a church in over 15 years. I was what people call “unchurched.” Walking back into a religious space can feel a little intimidating when you’ve been away for that long. You start worrying, “Are people going to judge me?” or even, “Wait, do I even remember what to do?” (I know I did!)
But then, things got even better. While I sat there waiting for the Mass to start, I didn’t feel like a stranger at all. To my surprise, a total sense of peace just washed over me. Between the friendly “servants” welcoming everyone and the quiet calm of the room even with pre-service hustle; it actually felt like I was finally home.
“Let light shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:6
That same Sunday, they made an announcement inviting anyone who felt called to serve in different ministries. Somehow, without overthinking it or making a list of pros and cons, I just said yes.
Now, keep in mind that I lived more than 37 kilometers away from the venue. In our traffic, that’s a huge commitment! But I still stepped forward. Thinking back, it felt something inside me just knew; I was meant to be there.
The “Martha” Problem: Busy Hands, Empty Heart
I joined the Creatives and Events team, and wow, we did so much behind the scenes! We handled everything from designing the stage and planning fun activities to helping other booths and setting up props for the speaker.
We ran four sessions every Sunday, each starting with Mass followed by a talk. It was a total whirlwind! Fairly, I was exhausted, but it was the “good tired” you get from doing something you love. I was hooked.
As time went on, my journey in the ministry grew. I eventually became the head of the group and later became the Events Council head in 2017. I went from leading a small team to overseeing the entire production and all the events. But gradually, without me even noticing, those constant demands began to wear me down spiritually.
I was becoming more like Martha in the Bible. Now, let’s be fair. Martha is amazing in her own right. She was a worker! But I was so busy doing things for God that I forgot to just be with God, just like her sister Mary.
The community has these amazing programs to help us grow, but I couldn’t make it to most of them. The weight on my shoulders felt so heavy. There were times I couldn’t even finish a full Mass! I’d constantly run off to tweak things, obsessed with making everything perfect for the audience.
Even when I’d encourage my team to attend our pastoral formations, they were right there in the trenches with me, struggling under the same demands. We were all working so hard, but we were running on empty. (It was exhausting!)
And that’s when the worry started creeping in. I felt so insecure. Looking back at all those years of serving, I realized my spiritual life hadn’t actually grown. I honestly thought that just by showing up and staying busy, I’d somehow be more “worthy” in God’s eyes especially after being away for so long.
Deep down, I couldn’t help but think: If only I’d made it to those leadership and pastoral training! I felt that if I’d been there, I could have built a better team culture; one that focused on a servant’s relationship with God before they ever jumped into a task. Maybe that would have made all the difference.
But honestly, the sheer demand of the work just shifted our priorities. We were in such a tough spot that stopping to build that foundation felt impossible. We were so busy chasing the next event that we missed the big picture. Have you ever been so focused on finishing a project that you forgot why you even started? That’s exactly where we were.
Feeling like an Impostor
Even with the heavy workload, there were these tiny moments of grace. I’ll never forget when a friend and co-servant told me exactly what I needed to hear. She said, “Loie, we handle all the technical stuff that brings God’s message to others. Even if we miss the spiritual formations, your kindness carries us. You’re truly there for us, and to me, that’s the Holy Spirit working through you; helping us see Jesus in our work.”
That really comforted me; it felt like a hug for my soul! But if I’m being real, I still felt like something was missing. Even though she saw the Spirit in me, I felt like I was just “delivering” a product instead of actually “surrendering” my life.
Have you ever been complimented for something you felt you didn’t deserve? That was me. I could manage every technical detail with my eyes closed and run a perfect show. But when it came to leading my team closer to Jesus? I felt like I was empty-handed because I hadn’t made time for my own relationship with Him.
I started blaming my past for leaving me with no foundation. Since I’d gone to non-Catholic schools and grew up as a “lukewarm” Catholic, I honestly felt like an impostor in my own faith. I was wrestling with a silent struggle and a longing for something more, something more real like clarity, like peace, like purpose; that I just couldn’t put into words yet.
“I thirst for that wholehearted love; I thirst for that total surrender.” ~ Dr. Edward Sri.
The Turning Point: Mother Mary’s Invitation
When my mid-life crisis hit at 40, that “thirst” became so intense I couldn’t ignore it. It was this messy mix of a shaky faith and scary questions about my own worth. You know how people say life begins at 40? Well, for me, I was just starting to ask: What does this chapter even mean? Where do I go from here? Honestly, the crisis just paralyzed me. I was stuck in a loop, constantly wondering: What have I actually done? What have I achieved? Who am I even becoming? It was exhausting and, to be totally real, pretty unsettling. (It’s a lonely place to be.) I felt like I was wandering through the desert, just desperate for a single drop of water.
Then the pandemic hit in 2020. The whole world slowed down, and for a while, I was left alone with my thoughts. Then, on one Saturday morning in November, out of the blue, I got a message on my phone. It said: “You’re invited! Join us in a Marian Consecration.” (Marian consecration is a 33-day prayer journey where you entrust your whole life to Jesus through Mary. It’s basically asking Mary to be your personal guide to help you trust God more and grow in holiness.)
“When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.” ~ Luke 1:41
Think about that for a second. Mother Mary, simply by carrying Jesus, made the Spirit “leap” in others. I didn’t fully understand what “consecration” means at the time. It sounded like a big, fancy church word. But in that moment, I felt more than a gentle nudge. I felt a soaring leap of hope, love, and joy stirring deep inside me. It was like a light turned on in a dark room. Without thinking twice, I said yes and joined.
Revisiting those moments, I can see that was the moment things really started to change. I wasn’t just a “volunteer” anymore; I was starting to become a daughter of God.
The Conversion: From Service to Relationship
As I got closer to Mary, I finally began to see who Jesus really is in my life. That “thirst” that used to feel so unsettling now felt like a promise of hope.
Even though I had the chance to stay and lead again as Events Council, I made the tough choice to step down after three years. It wasn’t because I wanted to walk away from God; it was because I wanted to know Him more.
I went back to the basics and learned how to truly pray. I even started praying the Rosary again for the first time since I was 12! Before, I used to let others lead the prayers because I wasn’t confident praying out loud. Have you ever felt that kind of hesitation too?
But as I kept showing up in my prayer time, I noticed something slowly changing; the fire in my heart was growing stronger and steadier.
Over time, my desire to grow spiritually became deeper. I found myself not wanting to miss Mass, not even on Sundays or Holy Days of Obligation. And eventually, I found the courage to kneel in the confessional and receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s the Catholic way to receive God’s forgiveness, and kneeling there to heal my soul and start fresh with the Church was a huge turning point for me.
“…Healing the wounds of sin, the Holy Spirit renews us interiorly through a spiritual transformation. He enlightens and strengthens us to live as “children of light” through “all that is good and right and true.” ~ CCC 1695
Growing in the Spirit: The New Way of Living
“The New Law is called a law of Love because it makes us act out of the love infused by the Holy Spirit, rather than from fear; …” ~ CCC 1972
I finally realized where all that joy was actually coming from. You know, it’s so easy to overlook the Holy Spirit because He’s usually working so quietly in the background. But looking back, I see He was always there, gently nudging me and changing my heart.
Indeed, I was a mess for a while. I was trying to do everything on my own just grinding it out on my own strength and that’s exactly why I burned out. I thought I was in control, but I wasn’t really letting the Holy Spirit take the wheel. And wow, once I let go? That made all the difference in the world.
It’s pretty amazing how God used that empty, longing feeling in my heart to pull me closer to Him, with Mama Mary right there guiding me along, My “want-to” started to shift, too. I used to never even touch the Bible, but now? I can’t get enough of it. I’ve found myself totally drawn to Church teachings and the stories of the saints.
That hunger to grow eventually led me to jump into taking Master’s in the Pastoral Ministry. And get this, now I actually have the chance to serve again! This time, it’s in a small Catholic community where we dive into the Bible together. Honestly, it brings me so much joy. Not only do I get to help families closer to Jesus, but I’m actually sharing this whole journey with my own siblings. How cool is that?
Believe me, I am still light-years away from being a saint! I still struggle every single day just to live the way we were actually designed to, which is simply to Love. It’s hard! But no matter how many ‘crosses’ or rough days I hit, it’s such a comfort to know the Holy Spirit is right there with me, helping me keep my head up and keeping me tucked safely in God’s grace.
The best part? We don’t have to guess if He’s there. We can always lean on the Spirit because He’s the one who helps us ‘wake up’ and stir up those spiritual gifts that are already sitting inside us, just waiting to be used. (Seriously, it’s such a huge relief to know we don’t have to do this alone) Beyond that, I’ve noticed the Spirit slowly helps us let go of all the ‘extra’ stuff in this world that weighs us down. Instead of chasing things that don’t matter, we start actually craving the things of the Lord. We just have to give the Spirit permission to come alive in us!
And hey, don’t be afraid to ask for Mama Mary’s help, either. She seriously did wonders for me. So, let’s just keep showing up in prayer, looking for ways to serve others and cheering each other on as we try to grow a little bit hollier every day.
Truly, If I could go back to the exact moment, I felt that tiny nudge to pick up that book. The one that started this whole journey and led me to serve despite all the hurdles. I wouldn’t hesitate for a single second. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat!
It’s wild to think about, but at that time, I hadn’t even truly ‘come home’ to my faith yet, even though I was already baptized Catholic. Looking back, it’s just amazing to see how the Holy Spirit was already working these little miracles in my life, even when I wasn’t really paying attention. (Isn’t that just like Him?)
It makes me wonder: If God can do all that while I was just standing on the sidelines, what else could happen if we truly opened up our hearts and said, “Okay, I’m ready to really change’? That kind of brand-new life; a life totally fueled by LOVE and is something only God can give. You will definitely agree with me. YES! It is absolutely worth it!
Imagine what could happen if you truly opened your heart to change? Maybe God is nudging you too. Will you respond?
Keep Learning About The Holy Spirit!
True Devotion to the Holy Spirit
In the School of the Holy Spirit
Sober Intoxication of the Spirit
Image; Photo by Reza Madani on Unsplash
