Actors: Mom, eight-year-old Buck, five-year-old Will
Scene: Kitchen; kitchen corners
Time: Midmorning
Prologue
The main frustration for many parents is not what discipline consequences to levy when. It is how to enforce those consequences when a youngster opposes them.
Will (bursting into the kitchen, drama-crying, hand gripping his forehead): Mom, Buck punched me in the head, really hard, and it hurts.
Buck (eight feet and two seconds behind Buck): No, sir! I did not!” He came over and grabbed the car I had on my track, and he wouldn’t give it back. So I had to grab him and make him give it back. You always say I need to stick up for myself.
Dr. Ray: From Kid Manual, section 107-B: I’m only doing what you’ve told me to do—at least as I read it. Mom has no definite means of scratching out the truth. Still, she is not without evidence: The red mark on Will’s forehead is a near-perfect match with the middle knuckle on Buck’s right hand.
Mom: Buck, did you hit him?
Will: Yeah, he did. Look, right here on my head. See, and it hurts bad too.
Dr. Ray: From Kid Manual, section 205-C: Don’t risk letting your brother answer; preempt it. Reemphasize that “it hurts bad too,” just in case Mom didn’t catch the first complaint.
Buck: He grabbed my car, right off the track, and then he started laughing. I told him, “That’s not funny.”
Dr. Ray: These boys have memorized the whole childhood manual. Hear how Buck did not answer his mother, instead redirecting the focus of the fracas back to Will. The child has a future in politics, or possibly psychology. Will: I didn’t take your car. It was just sitting on the floor. You weren’t even playing with it. (Punctuating his point, Will kicks his brother’s leg.)
Mom: That’s it. Both of you to the corner. Buck, you’re by the refrigerator. Will, you go over by the clock. I need to think about what else I’m going to do about this.
Dr. Ray: Corners are prime discipline real estate for kids, especially younger ones. First, corners are ubiquitous. The average room has four of them. For those of you with larger families, fill up one room and you’ve got others. Second, corners are dull. When one’s face is pressed between two walls, boredom is an unavoidable by-product. Third, corners are multipurpose. They can be relied upon for a range of offenses, immediately and repeatedly. Mom’s corner reliance serves two purposes—as discipline and as a pause to ponder any more consequences.
A Blackout with Power
She apparently believes that sibling assault is an impact ful offense warranting more than a few minutes in time out. (In our home, hitting a sibling resulted in loss of all privileges for a defined period.)
Buck (from the corner): I’m always the one who has to go to the corner because you believe Will all the time. I wish Grandma was my mom; she never puts me in a corner. I wish Dad were my mom; he understands boys.
Will (crumbling to the floor, launching into a tantrum, once again holding his head): I didn’t do anything. He started it. Why do I have to go to the corner?
Mom: Will, you need to get back in that corner immediately. Buck may have started it, but I saw you kick him. And Buck, your time doesn’t start until you’re quiet. And the longer either of you carries on, the longer I make your time even after you’re quiet.
Will (with hands on his forehead, runs from the room): No, no, no!
Dr. Ray: Mom is trying to reason through the trouble, but reasoning with an irate five-year-old is like trying to per suade a mother grizzly to leave her cubs in your care. What now? While Buck has kept a low profile—to let Will be the sole focus of Mom’s attention—Will has exited, stage right. Mom could pursue, but if Will escalates, the scene could get really ugly really fast. Discipline 101: If you have to battle with a child to enforce discipline, you may win, but he wins too. He challenges your authority. Mom can act with calm, resolute authority by implementing “blackout.” Will (six minutes post-defiance, figuring Mom has forgotten his corner time): Can I have some juice, Mommy, in my dinosaur cup?
Drama-Free Discipline
Mom: Oh, no, Will. You can have some milk, but not in your dinosaur cup. You have to go to the corner first. Will (in stunned disbelief, melting down again): My head hurts. I want my stuffed dog.
Mom: Your stuffed dog is on top of the refrigerator. You can’t have any toys until after you go to the corner. Will (eight minutes later, after quieting once more, still in shock over what’s happening): Can I watch The Dino Show?
Mom: No, you can’t watch anything until I get all your corner time.
Dr. Ray: And so it goes. All perks, privileges, and goodies are suspended until Will serves his corner time. A preschooler or young child typically needs only a short reinforcement of blackout to realize that a parent means what she says. He will learn a quick lesson: It is far better to take your discipline—whatever that may be—than to be blacked out.
Will (one hour, twelve minutes later): Okay, Mommy, I’m going to the corner. How long do I have to stay?
Mom: I’ll let you know when your time’s up. But because you didn’t go when I said, your time is longer now.
Dr. Ray: Wait just a time-out minute! Don’t experts in tone, “One minute in time-out per year of age”? Some do, mostly the ones without kids. But you, not they, are the time-out timer in your home. You decide, depending upon factors such as cooperation, quickness to quiet, and seriousness of the infraction. Mom may believe that Will’s face and Buck’s leg (both got hit) are worth more than eight and five minutes in the corner. Where’s Buck while all this is happening? He’s relish ing Mom’s new thing called blackout—at least until it happens to him. Let’s rewind an hour or so.
Buck: I love you, Mom. As soon as I come out, I’m going to give you a big hug and kiss. And then we can pray together too, okay?
Dr. Ray: So smooth. If at first vinegar doesn’t succeed, try honey. Further, make sure you contrast your holiness with your brother’s sinfulness.
Is Mom fooled?
Mom (sometime later): Okay, Buck, you can come out now, and we will pray. But after that, I want you to sit down and write fifteen nice things about your brother.
Dr. Ray: I’ll bet that’s not what Buck was praying for.
Will: Buck, you better do what she says.
Epilogue
Blackout—some parents call it “shutdown”—is potent discipline. It’s a clear statement: Do not defy my discipline, or I will act much more firmly.
All kids misbehave—lots. But when they challenge your authority—passively or actively—they have escalated dramatically from everyday misbehavior to direct defiance. And if you lose your authority, well, how much rent will you pay your kids to let you live in their home?
While teens may hold out longer, in some ways blackout carries even more leverage with them. Teens have a much broader array of activities, privileges, and “entitlements”: transportation, technology (cell phone, computer, iPod, video games, television, headsets), favorite clothes, eating out, curling iron, money supply (funds are frozen, meaning school lunch is packed). The list is long, and only you know what would constitute a full blackout in your home, as opposed to a brownout.
Some parents also use blackout for serious offenses—time is either automatic or conditioned upon better attitude and cooperation. Sometimes my wife blacks herself out. Retreating to her bedroom, she locks the door and naps. I stand outside the door, begging her to share her blackout with me.
Image: Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
