I kept my faith to myself for the first ten years of my marriage. My husband was an atheist, and although he came to Mass with me, he didn’t really get it, nor did he really want it. His questions felt like challenges to my faith, and it saddened me that I couldn’t share this part of who I was with him. He was a part of everything in my life – my joys and struggles, my dreams and my everyday – but I just couldn’t share this one part with him. 

So, I didn’t.

In my mind, keeping my faith private was what I should be doing anyway. After all, Jesus said, “When you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.” (Matthew 6:6)

I had my faith, and he had his (or the lack thereof). That worked well for me – until it didn’t. I had a transformative experience with the Holy Spirit that took my faith to a deeper and more personal level that I could no longer contain, even if I wanted to.

Share your faith. Literally. 

As I struggled with my hidden faith practice, I realized that Jesus’ words didn’t mean that we should never share our faith or only practice it in secret. Matthew 6:6 reminds us that our prayers are moments of intimate connection with God, but Jesus’ words don’t mean we can’t pray with and for each other. On the contrary, we must pray with and for each other, especially as spouses.

I was so unsure and uncomfortable with the thought of opening up my faith before the one I loved because he didn’t understand or agree, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I discovered that when we could both contribute to the discussion of faith, there were disagreements, but the pool of understanding had the chance to become much deeper. The profound beauty of the Catholic faith was revealed to me in a more meaningful way because of my atheist husband’s questions

I didn’t force my faith onto my husband, but I began to share it with him, just like I shared everything else. It was a part of who I was, part of my day, and it gave meaning to what I did in all of it. I didn’t have to debate the foundational tenets of Catholicism or explain the reasoning behind Catholic practices and rituals. I just needed to share my day and how I saw and connected to God within it. I could let the rest come naturally.

I no longer felt a need to defend my beliefs. They were a gift I could share with my husband, whether he believed or not, and that changed everything. My faith was no longer a challenge to him; it was an invitation to intimacy with me.

Respect where they are on the journey

Not all roads lead to God, and not all roads lead to heaven, but there are many that do. Some of them are really, really crooked and wandering. Some of them are straight and narrow and get right to the destination. Most of them are somewhere in between. You only have to look at the lives of the Saints to know this is true.

St. Augustine wandered for years. St. Edith Stein discovered the truth and beauty of Catholicism through the foundational beliefs of Judaism. St. Ignatius of Loyola found his way to the glory of faith thanks to a leg that had been shattered in battle.

Even if someone never finds the beauty of the Catholic faith, we do not believe all is in vain. I found such comfort in Scripture and the Catechism of the Catholic Church when I felt like my husband was never going to find the road he needed.

The Catholic Church recognizes in other religions that search, among shadow and images, for the God who is unknown yet near since he gives life and breath and all things and wants people to be saved. Thus, the Church considers all goodness and truth found in these religions as “a preparation for the Gospel and given by him who enlightens all men that they may at length have life.” (CCC 843)

Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the Gospel of Christ or his Church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and, moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their conscience – those too may achieve eternal salvation. (Lumen Gentium 16) (referenced in CCC 847)

For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband; or how do you know husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:14, 16)

Which leads to our third point:

Trust that God has them, especially if you are praying for them

A friend once told me about her interaction with a young man who was dying in the hospital where she worked. She was not allowed to share her faith with him, even though she believed God had placed her in his life, which bothered the other women in our Bible study. Her response has stayed with me for years. “I can only love and serve him, and I pray that because of my witness, he will recognize Jesus when he meets Him.”

She wasn’t required to get him to heaven, she was simply called to be there and point the way.

It is the same for us. It is so easy to feel responsible for your spouse’s conversion, or that respecting their faith journey is shirking the call to get them to heaven. 

I invite you to flip the script a bit. You are a part of your spouse’s journey. You are not responsible for it. 

Share your journey, receive the gift that God has given you in each other, and step back on occasion to watch the Holy Spirit work in both of your lives. It can be an incredible adventure.

Keep learning about Karen May’s journey HERE. For more information on the Church’s teachings on other religions, refer to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, 811-870, and specifically 817-822 and 839-848.

Image: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash