We often enter marriage with our own worldview, shaped by how we were raised, our DNA, our wounds, our culture, and our education, and we assume our spouse shares a similar worldview.
These assumptions are precisely the fertile soil that gives birth to the weeds of misunderstandings in marriage.
A husband says to his wife, “You really look great today,” believing that he is paying her the highest compliment. All she hears, however, is the word today, which compels her to wonder, “What did I look like yesterday?”
A wife can undress in front of her husband with no other intention than to change her clothes, but he will often assume she has another intention in mind.
He thinks that she thinks like him. She thinks that he thinks like her. The two assume that the other has the same wants, desires, and needs. But when your spouse seems to think and respond differently than you would, our human instinct is to get frustrated. Frustration is the weed that spawns from the seed of assumptions.
Typically, one spouse perceives the other’s frustration and tries to respond in a way that placates it and smooths things over. Sometimes, the spouse will try to ignore the weed altogether. Smoothing it over is like cutting off the weed at the ground level. When we cut a weed off without rooting it out, it grows back stronger and larger and gives birth to other weeds.
Either by placating the frustration or ignoring it, eventually the garden of marriage, which was supposed to produce incredible fruit and beauty, becomes overrun with the weeds of frustration and bitter resentment.
Many couples fail to discuss why they are disconnecting and drifting apart, and by doing so, they fail to gain a deeper understanding of the innermost person to whom they are married. They simply don’t know what they don’t know.
This lack of knowledge of the “other” is the primary root cause for many failed marriages. God willed that Adam know Eve. The Hebrew word yada (know) can mean many different things, but primarily it is interpreted as having a certain knowledge, to comprehend, to have a deep certainty—even expressed through sexual intercourse—of the other.
God wills that we overcome our assumptions regarding our spouse and intentionally work to learn what we do not know about them. By doing this, we come to know and trust one another intimately.
Over thirty years of marriage, we have learned a lot about the differences between males and females, husbands and wives, and about each other and our deepest core needs. We have also learned—perhaps the hard way—that successful couples do three things:
1. They know and understand their own core God-given needs.
2. They express and communicate those needs to one another without guilting, blaming, shaming, or manipulation.
3. They allow one another the freedom to address their spouse’s need creatively.
This framework has allowed us to know one another intimately while also helping us understand what makes the other feel loved.
We want to share ten things we have discovered during our thirty years of marriage. Each of us will share five things, from his and her perspective. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. We hope these ten things we share will inspire you to rediscover your spouse anew.
Five Things Kim Has Learned
1. I Cannot Fulfill My Husband.
In the past, I thought that it was my job to make my husband happy. Whether it was cleaning the house, having sexual intercourse with him, or making him dinner, my thought was, “This will make him happy.” Thinking this way caused me to feel guilty, as though I was not a good enough wife. When Devin was struggling or down, I thought that it was my job to solve it. I learned that it is not my job to make my husband happy—only God can. This realization took the pressure off me and allowed me to love my husband to the best of my ability, while leaving the outcome to God. Over the years, I have learned to take him, his challenges, and struggles to prayer. I have learned that I am not his god, but his biggest intercessor with God.
2. He Doesn’t Need Another Mother—But Needs Me to Be Motherly.
Several years after we were married, Devin was diagnosed with cancer. After the surgery and radiation, his strength and health were failing. What shocked me was that the man who could find solutions for home improvement projects or solve problems for his clients was helpless in helping himself! I realized that I needed to step in and help him. Whether it was lining up blood tests, figuring out which supplements he was deficient in, or regulating his diet, I knew I needed to be his nurturer. But what didn’t work was telling him, “You need to do this,” “don’t eat this,” “don’t do this.” Demanding and commanding him only pushed him further from me and my advice. He didn’t need me to be his mother, but motherly. Instead, I learned to offer solutions and encourage him. I did the research; I made meals that fortified him, but also that tasted great. What I learned is that I wanted him at his best, because when he is at his best, I am at my best.
3. He’s Not a Mind Reader.
When we were first married, we didn’t talk as much as we thought we did. Over the years, I have learned just how important real, authentic, vulnerable communication is. When I assumed he understood what I needed from him but failed to communicate that need, I became frustrated. This frustration, unchecked, eventually led to resentment, and resentment led to drift and distance in our marriage. I have learned that I need to voice my opinion, but graciously, and especially without blaming him. I realized that my husband wants and needs a target to shoot for. In my experience, if he knows how to please me, he will do his best to hit the mark, repeatedly.
4. A Man’s Sexual Drive Is Different Than a Woman’s.
Early in our marriage, our desire for one another seemed very similar. But after several babies, shifting hormones and bodily changes, my “Sex drive” seemed to decrease—but his didn’t! Understanding his need for physical intimacy, and more importantly, that this need is God-given, helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with him—or me, for that matter! Often wives blame and shame their husbands for wanting to be intimate with them, as though they are perverted. Though there are times when physical intimacy is not number one on my list, I want to address this need of his to demonstrate that I love him. This has been incredibly healing for both of us. In our book The Marriage Gap, I outline five ways that wives can help address this need.
5. Don’t Keep a Score Sheet. Let the little things go.
Too often, we make small things into big things. We focus on what our husband isn’t doing and miss the big things, such as his character, his goodwill, and his love for us. A while back, a female influencer talked about how great her husband is. He takes the kids to day care. He works a full-time job. He shops for groceries with the kids after work. He remodels the home. But after the litany of accolades, she ended up saying she was leaving him because he can’t obey her command to unload the dishwasher and take out the trash! What wives often fail to recognize is that a man’s deepest core need is respect—to be believed in. I have learned that rather than demanding and commanding Devin to do things, I respect him and express my belief in him. I communicate my needs to him, trusting that he loves me enough to make the effort to address them. The more that I express my respect for him, the more he desires to address my needs. Keeping a litany of his infractions and reminding him of them is not respecting him; it’s treating him like a child. A man who is disrespected will look for that respect elsewhere.
Five Things Devin Learned
- I Can Be Her Biggest Enemy
Wives want their husbands to be men of strength. Early in our marriage, I had a very narrow view of strength: muscles and money. I understood strength as being able to provide for and protect Kim. Consequently, I worked around the clock for my employers, often neglecting dinner at home or helping put the children to bed. My drive to provide financially pushed me to launch my own business when we were flat broke. Though I thought I was being a man of strength by providing for Kim, I was actually becoming her biggest enemy. Eventually, I realized my wife’s deepest need is to feel secure—in my love. At times, my insecurity, lack of self-belief, or inability to control my emotions left Kim feeling vulnerable. I learned I can be either her biggest enemy or the man who makes every effort to make her feel secure in my love. When she is secure in my love, I know that I am being the man God created me to be. - Her Idea of Closeness Is Much Different Than Mine
It wasn’t long into our marriage before I discovered that Kim’s desire for closeness didn’t always have to end in the one-flesh union. This became a source of frustration for me. I interpreted her lack of desire for physical intimacy as rejection, or a lack of respect for me. Initially, I would attempt to suppress my desire for physical intimacy. However, this suppression led to incredible frustration, which led me to complain, grumble, and whine. I realized that I never looked weaker and less manly than when I was complaining and whining about physical intimacy. Eventually, I discovered that Kim’s idea of closeness included spending time together (such as date nights, walks, coffee time together, ten-minute nightly couch time); praying together; meaningful conversations; and yes, physical touch—that doesn’t always have to end in the one-flesh union. I discovered that when I sincerely and intentionally addressed Kim’s desire for closeness in these ways, she—without being asked—often offered herself to me.
- Take Ownership of My Wrong
Early in our marriage, I interpreted Kim and my disagreements and arguments as a competition where one person had to win. When we disagreed, instead of understanding her point of view, I treated it as a zero-sum game. Either I was right, and she was wrong, or she was right, and I was wrong. This approach conditioned me to try to be right at all times, which also meant I refused to acknowledge any of Kim’s wisdom and counsel. As you can imagine, this behavior did not foster intimacy or trust. Eventually, I learned a secret that has changed the way I approach every conversation. I learned to acknowledge my error, fault, or wrong to her, while also affirming her when she says something that resonates or speaks truth.
I remember one occasion where we disagreed on something. She believed that what I did was hurtful. However, I believed what she did was just as hurtful. I remember thinking I could dig in and not budge on my position, which would only lead to more silent treatment, or I could take ownership of what I did wrong. I learned to do this by taking 100% ownership of what I had done wrong—even if it was only 15% of the disagreement. Meaning, even if Kim was 85% wrong. I would ask, “Will you forgive me for ‘x’?” I learned to stop saying, “I’m sorry.” By saying “I’m sorry,” I was still in control; I was simply telling her how I feel. But when I began to ask, “Will you forgive me?”, I became massively vulnerable. It was as though I was giving Kim my heart, saying, “Do with it what you want.” She has always received my request and forgiven me. Humility is the foundation of the spiritual life—and also of a great marriage.
- Just Married is Just The Beginning
Before I married Kim, we dated on and off for seven years. It was a roller-coaster relationship. We experienced many moments of genuine love, but also downright pain, anger, and contempt for one another. After our last break-up, I knew that I had thrown away any hope of marrying her. Only after I surrendered my life to Our Lord Jesus and experienced a miraculous transformation did God bring Kim back into my life. At that point, my life’s mission was to win her back. After we were married, I subconsciously believed I had achieved the goal of getting Kim. Now it was time to pursue other goals, such as launching my own business or side hustle.
What I didn’t realize was that getting married was only the beginning. Now it was time for me to really invest—not just in our marriage, but in her as a person. What I mean is this: several years ago, a man asked to meet with me for advice on how to save his marriage. He said repeatedly, “I want to save my marriage.” Finally, I asked him, “Do you want to save your marriage, or save your wife? Do you want to love your marriage or love your wife?” He responded, “I need to think about that.” We often want to save our marriage because the optics look good. But we need to focus not on the optics, but on what our spouse needs. It took me time to realize my biggest investment wasn’t in being financially successful, winning at work, or building a company, but in my wife. That’s when I started asking her what she needed. This was challenging because I believed that with all my other “important” endeavors, I didn’t really have time to prioritize her needs. I was wrong. I realized that when Kim’s needs are being addressed, she is happy, alive, and a joy to be with. Her joy often shows up in laughter, words of encouragement, and fruitful, meaningful discussions. When Kim is happy, I am a more powerful and effective man.
- The Majority of Women Are Not Sexually Attracted to Men, as Men are Sexually Attracted to Women
For some time, I believed that my physique, or lack thereof, was the determining factor as to why Kim desired (or didn’t desire) me sexually. During times of distance and drift, I would wonder if I needed to exercise and work out more. “Perhaps she didn’t find me attractive.” That line of reasoning is myopic and self-centered. It never dawned on me that perhaps Kim was stressed, or overwhelmed by her responsibilities, or that her health struggles debilitated her. In other words, I focused more on myself and what I could do to get what I wanted. I realized that there is another person in this marriage who has their own set of legitimate needs, struggles, pains, and problems, and that it is my mission to enter into that pain and love her right there. Though this is not the main point of this reason, I did learn that Kim needed me to listen to her, but more importantly, listen for her heart. She wanted me to care for her and what she was enduring. While I can experience an automatic, reflexive response to Kim’s beauty, this is not the case with her. At first, I thought it was because I wasn’t good-looking enough for her. Yes, I learned that what makes me attractive to Kim is less about my external characteristics and more about my willingness to sacrifice my agenda and give myself to her.
It is Worth the Effort
When spouses intentionally and lovingly try to address one another’s needs, they sense they are truly loved—and, after all, that is the deepest longing of the human heart: to love another and to be loved by another.
Though a spouse may not be able to satisfy their spouse’s desire, the very effort of sincerely trying to meet their needs proves love, and in the end that is the secret that fuels a thriving marriage and bridges the marriage gap.
The greatest achievements often demand heroic effort. Marriage falls into that category. If your marriage is in choppy waters, don’t despair. Stay the course. Remember that Jesus performed His first miracle at a wedding (see Jn 2). This is His sign to us that He will provide the grace needed for our marriage to be healed. Every marriage needs a miracle… every marriage needs Christ.
Devin and Kim Schadt are co-authors of The Marriage Gap: How to Understand, Communicate, and Meet Your Spouse’s 4 Deepest Needs. Get his and her copies today at Sophia Institute Press.
Image: Photo by Raul Miranda on Unsplash
