Gentlemen, have you ever had your wife completely turn down your advances, seem completely disinterested in your attempts to woo her, and instead be totally annoyed with you? If your answer is yes, then you’re meant to read this.
Why might she be reacting in this manner? The answer is she probably feels USED.
If this truth hurts a bit, let it weigh on you. This very serious issue must not be downplayed. Getting to the root of this problem and finding genuine solutions can help lead both your wife and you to the height of marital bliss – inside and outside the bedroom.
Where do we begin? Love vs. Lust
Let’s begin our conversation with the distinction between love and lust, as explained by one of my favorite saints, Pope Saint John Paul II. Let these soak in:
“Love between persons is essentially a creation of human free will. (Love & Responsibility, p.51).
“Only the one who is able to be demanding with himself in the name of love can also demand love from others. Love is demanding. It makes demands in all human situations; it is even more demanding in the case of those who are open to the Gospel. ( Love & Responsibility, Chapter 1)
“…[L]ust is a real part of the human heart. When compared with the original mutual attraction of masculinity and femininity, lust represents a reduction. In stating this, we have in mind an intentional reduction, almost a restriction or closing down of the horizon of mind and heart. It is one thing to be conscious that the value of sex is a part of all the rich storehouse of values with which the female appears to the man. It is another to “reduce” all the personal riches of femininity to that single value, that is, of sex, as a suitable object for the gratification of sexuality itself.” (TOB, 9.17.1980)
The statements above make it clear that as human beings, we are called to love. This great mission is fraught with challenges, especially the temptation to reduce another to an object, instead of valuing her for all the “riches” of who she is. Because she is unique and unrepeatable, her value is way more than mere sex appeal.
10 Reasons Lust Is Bad News For Your Marriage
Keep in mind the statements from St. John Paul II as we lay out 10 reasons why looking at your wife with lust is problematic:
- She doesn’t like it. Need I say more? Trust me guys, she knows. When a woman is looked at solely for the purpose of sexual gratification from her husband, she does not feel loved. And this will flow into every area of your marriage.
- She’s not a piece of meat. No woman wants to be looked at as something to be devoured.
- She’s not a carton of cigarettes. In the words of C.S. Lewis:
“We use a most unfortunate idiom when we say, of a lustful man prowling the streets, that he ‘wants a woman.’ Strictly speaking, a woman is just what he does not want. He wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary piece of apparatus. How much he cares about the woman as such may be gauged by his attitude to her five minutes after fruition (one does not keep the carton after one has smoked the cigarettes).” (C.S Lewis, The Four Loves)
- It’s killing your sex life. How? Well, how do you think she would rank your mutual lovemaking? Do you think she is content and grateful? (If you don’t know, man up and ask her. She’ll be happy to give you an earful.)
- You’re losing interest in her. It’s hard to hold interest in anything with which we’re not invested. When we don’t have a true commitment that requires sacrifice, it becomes just another thing. In this case, this “it” is your wife.
- It affects the whole of your marriage. Sooner or later, there will come a point where a hug is rejected, because in her mind, that action has become associated with lustful intercourse – and she’s tired of it. Imagine your marriage without any physical touch whatsoever. This is what your future holds if lust holds sway in your heart.
- Your kids are watching. Your son is watching how his mom is treated – and he will grow up to treat and expect the same from his wife. Your daughter is watching how her mom is treated – and she will grow up to expect the same treatment from other men in her life. If this treatment is not in accordance with the dignity of your wife, this message is being internalized in your children. Is this a message you want to resonate and grow within them?
- Lust becomes violence. When the goal is lustful satisfaction, this will eventually end in sexual frustration, because lust is fantasy and can never satisfy. This frustration becomes an unattainable passion, building into anger, and often becomes explosive rage. And guess who will become the recipient of your outburst? Your wife.
- Your priest will find out. Guys, even if you have a problem with lust and you don’t bring it to confession, it’s not a stretch to say that your wife will end up talking with your priest about the way she is being used. The conversation that comes after this between you and your priest will not be a comfortable one. I recommend addressing this problem before it becomes an even bigger issue.
- You’re going to destroy your marriage. A lustful marriage inevitably becomes a loveless marriage. And a marriage that is not full of love will not last.
If the above items make you a tad bit uncomfortable….good. The first step to healing is admitting there is a problem. We believe that no matter how bad a situation can get, God is waiting with mercy, as long as we are willing to humble ourselves, get real about our situation, and cooperate with grace to make a change.
Image: Photo by Oziel Gómez on Unsplash
