“It didn’t come with a manual.”
I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard a guy say that about marriage and fatherhood.
But it is true…and it is a hard truth.
The two most difficult “jobs” for a man—being a husband and a father—commence with little to no training courses, hands-on experience, or papal encyclicals.
“Just tell me how to do it” is the other phrase that I have heard repeatedly since founding the Fathers of St. Joseph in 2012.
Ongoing sociological research confirms that society goes by way of marriage. So, if we want a strong, moral, virtuous society the Church needs to be renewed; and if the Church is to be renewed, the domestic church (the family) needs to be restored; and if the family is to be restored, marriage needs to be revitalized; and for that to happen, the husband is to become like St. Joseph and Jesus Christ, the two most faithful, sacrificial and heroic bridegrooms in the history of the world.
20 Ways To Love Your Wife, Renew Your Marriage, And Set The World Ablaze
Below are 20 very practical ways to love your wife, renew your marriage and set the world ablaze with your marital love.
- Pray for Your Wife Daily
As part of your daily morning prayer, pray for God’s blessing upon your wife. Pray that you may love her as Christ, the Divine Bridegroom, loves and sacrifices Himself for His Bride, the Church.
- Ask God to See Your Wife’s Beauty Anew
Often, as the years pass, a husband can begin to fail to perceive his wife’s emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical beauty. Therefore, pray daily that Our Lord Jesus, the Divine Bridegroom, will allow you the vision to perceive anew your wife’s beauty.
- One Act of Hidden Service for Your Wife
First, identify an area of need that your wife has. For example, it could be a small project that she has been wanting to complete or something that needs to be moved from one part of the house to another. Second, without telling her and without grumbling, complete the act of service for her. Lastly, do not seek recognition for it. Simply offer the act of love to God for her salvation and sanctification.
- One Daily Act of Affirmation or Encouragement for Your Wife
First, reflect on the many and varied ways in which your wife is a gift to you. Second, identify one of those characteristics. Third, and by text, e-mail, or phone or in person, affirm your wife and encourage her by telling her how much you admire that quality that she possesses. For example: “Honey, I thank God for your joy. You bring me so much happiness.”
- Thank God for Your Wife
During your morning prayer or evening examen, simply praise God for creating your wife and for giving her to you as your wife. Thank Him often for this gift.
- One Hidden Sacrifice for Your Wife
We sacrifice for that which we love. If we lack love, we should increase our sacrifice so that our love may increase. Each day, identify one small hidden sacrifice you can make on behalf of your wife; for example: skipping a meal, taking a cold shower, sleeping on the floor, or drinking only water. Offer it to God secretly so that His love may fill your wife more and that your love for her may increase.
- Evening Examen on Prioritizing Your Wife
During your evening examen, first, place yourself in the presence of God the Father. Second, reflect on those aspects of your life that most demand your attention or that you find most desirable. Then ask God to help you see whether you have given the same attention to your wife’s desires and aspirations as to yours. If not, identify one of your wife’s desires and make it your own. Work at helping her to achieve that endeavor as though it were your own.
- Prayer with Your Wife
Each evening, spend several minutes in prayer with your wife. First, discuss beforehand what petitions the two of you have; second, pray together, voicing those petitions and last, end your prayer time by thanking God the Father for your marriage and ask His blessing to be upon it.
- Weekly Date Night
If your wife is to believe that she is most important in your life, your actions must reflect that reality. A husband demonstrates that his wife is his top priority (save God) by having a scheduled weekly date night. If a weekly date night is impossible due to the needs of small children or the lack of babysitting options, aim for every other week or at least once a month. First, establish the day and time for your date night. Second, keep it simple. It does not need to be expensive or extravagant. Third, silence all mobile devices or leave them in the car. Fourth, whether you are having a disagreement or the conversation is going well, rest in that time without cutting it short. During your date, reassure your wife that you love her, that you admire her beauty, and by listening attentively, that you respect her.
- Ten Minutes of Daily Intentional Time with Your Wife
Toward the end of the day, pause, try to relax, and sit down with your wife for ten minutes or more. The purpose of this is, first, to hear her heart and discern how she is feeling—physically, emotionally, and psychologically—and second, by sitting with her, without distractions, to reassure her that you desire her. Try to refrain from “fixing” her problems; rather, affirm her.
- Protect Your Wife’s Prayer Time
First, do not force or coerce your wife into praying. Invite her. This has already been established by you praying your petitions together with your wife. She may desire to pray privately. First, ask her if she needs time and space to pray. Second, ask her what you can do to help her in this endeavor. Third, follow through.
- Bless Your Wife Daily
First, identify a consistent time to bless your wife (typically, prior to bedtime is best). Second, trace the Sign of the Cross on her forehead. Third, invoke God’s blessing upon her. While tracing the Sign of the Cross on her forehead, pray the following: May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine kindly upon you. May the Lord grant you His kindness and peace all your days, that you may behold His face in the marriage that never ends. Abba, Father, protect my wife from all evil and bring her safely into Your eternal embrace. Amen.
- Confess Your Sins Sacramentally
Make every effort to remain in a state of grace, and if you are not, sacramentally confess your sins as soon as you are able, so that you may become a channel of grace for your wife.
First, examine your conscience. Second, allow God to convict you of those behaviors and acts that are injustices against Him and His children. Third, “take with you words and return to the LORD” (Hos. 14:2)— that is, thoughtfully determine what you will say and sacramentally confess your sins and lastly, be certain to thank God for His mercy after completing your confession.
- Discuss Your Wife’s Needs Regarding Child-Rearing and Occupation
During your date night or ten-minute evening conversations, ask your wife: If she works outside the home: Do you want to work outside the home? What would be ideal for you? If she is a stay-at-home wife: Do you have time for yourself and for friendships? What do you need socially? The purpose of having this conversation is to ensure that your personal and parenting goals are aligned.
- Don’t Assume Your Wife’s Needs—Ask Her
Often, we men can assume that we know our wives and what they need. Quite often, however, a wife wants to be asked what she needs, rather than her husband simply assuming that he knows.
First, during your date night or evening ten-minute conversations, ask your wife how she is doing emotionally, physically, spiritually, and so forth. Second, ask her if there is anything you can do to help address her needs. Third, creatively and with intentionality, and without complaining or boasting, begin to address her needs. This communicates to her that you truly care about her.
- Affirm Your Wife in Front of Your Children
While your children are present, affirm your wife’s personality or beauty or your admiration for one of her particular qualities. When you are with your children and your wife is not present, speak highly of her, intentionally admiring her. This speaks volumes to your children, increasing their respect and admiration for her.
- Daily Decade of the Rosary for Your Marriage
Pray the second Luminous Mystery of the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary: Christ transforms the water into wine at His Mother’s bidding. While reflecting on this mystery, pray that Our Lady will obtain from her Son the grace that the water of your marriage (your human efforts) will be transformed into wine—that is, the healing grace that unifies your marriage in a living reflection of Christ and His Church.
- Offering Oneself to God for One’s Wife
When you encounter difficulties relating to your wife, such as her aging or changing, or an uneven interest between the two of you in physical intimacy, or the like, offer yourself to God on her behalf, praying, “This is my body, given for you.” By uniting your offering of yourself to the offering of Christ, the Father will bless your wife and your marriage. Additionally, He will change the way you see her. Often, for things to change, we need to change the way we see them.
- Ask Your Wife for Forgiveness
When you have had an argument or a disagreement with your wife, first, focus on your offense or negligence in the matter; second, claim or own your infraction; third, apologize to her.
When apologizing, however, refrain from saying only “I’m sorry,” as that is only a statement as to how you feel and allows you to retain control. Rather, always go on to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This is very humbling and meek, and it will give your wife the power to forgive.
Additionally, refrain from saying, “I was wrong, but you did . . .” When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, never point out your wife’s wrong, as that cheapens and undermines what ought to be an unstinting and unqualified action on your part. Allow her to claim her shortcomings herself rather than accusing her of them. All of this wins her over to love.
- Be Faithful to Your Marriage Vows
Whether you fall into financial, emotional, or sexual infidelity, make every effort to cease from the activity immediately. Remember that, in a mysterious way, because of your God-given authority, your sins and the consequences of them are transferred to your children. Seek a priest immediately and, if necessary, meet with a therapist. Often, immoral addictive behavior is the consequence of childhood wounds that have been buried rather than healed.
- (Bonus) Bring Infidelity to Light
If you have been or are unfaithful to your wife, meet with a priest as soon as possible. First, make the decision truly to repent of this sinful behavior. Second, confess your infidelity to a priest. Do not make excuses or blame your wife for your behavior. The sin is yours. Own it. Finally, ask your confessor whether you ought to disclose your infidelity to your wife. Be reconciled with God and trust that He will rebuild your marriage.
Begin Slow. Be Intentional.
God has designed marriage as the foundational relationship in which we can grow in self-knowledge by means of self-giving.
God has designed marriage, specifically your marriage, to be your path to heaven.
Don’t attempt to implement all these practices at once.
You will exhaust yourself and perhaps crush your wife.
Each week begin to implement one, perhaps two of these practices.
Don’t tell your wife what you are doing. Just do it…
Be intentional.
Your marriage is the most important relationship you have.
Show her that she is the most important person in your world.
Image: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
