There are many things that I wish I knew when I was younger. One of those is that a man’s primary core need is to be respected. Women desire to be respected too, but men equate love with respect. To them, to be respected is to be loved.
I have learned that I’m a happier, holier and even healthier person when my husband is confident. When I give him the attention, affirmation and respect he needs, he has greater confidence and courageously confronts the chaos and sufferings that afront our marriage and family with a serenity and trust in God. When he thrives, our marriage and family thrive. When I invest in him, I am also investing in me. When I intentionally love him, his love grows for me.
Ongoing sociological research confirms that society goes by way of marriage. So, if we want a strong, moral, virtuous society the Church needs to be renewed; and if the Church is to be renewed, the domestic church (the family) needs to be restored; and if the family is to be restored, marriage needs to be revitalized; and for that to happen, the husband is to become like St. Joseph and Jesus Christ, the two most faithful, sacrificial and heroic bridegrooms in the history of the world.
If my husband is to be like St. Joseph, then my goal is to be his “Mary.”
How To Love Your Husband
Below are more than 20 very practical ways to love your husband, renew your marriage and set the world ablaze with your marital love.
- Pray for Your Husband Daily
As part of your daily morning prayer, pray for God’s blessing and favor upon your husband and his work. Pray that the Lord Jesus draws Him ever more deeply into His Sacred Heart, that he, as a son of God, may experience the love of God the Father.
- Ask God to See Your Husband’s Strength and Sacrifices Anew
Often, as the years pass, a wife can become disenchanted with her husband’s faults, failures and bad habits. Therefore, to avoid bitterness, resentment and division, she is to pray daily, asking God the Father to allow her to understand the battles that he faces, to see his inner strength and efforts, and the many and varied ways he is sacrificing.
- One Act of Hidden Service for Your Husband
First, identify an area of need that your husband has. For example, it could be giving him the time to work on a small project that she has been wanting to complete or giving him the space to share his heart without interruption or dismissing his feelings, or to be affectionate with physical affirmation. Second, without telling him and without grumbling, complete the act of service for him. Lastly, do not seek recognition for it. Simply offer the act of love to God for his salvation and sanctification.
- One Daily Act of Affirmation or Encouragement for Your Husband
First, reflect on the many and varied ways in which your husband is a gift to you. Second, identify one of those characteristics. Third, and by text, e-mail, or phone or in person, affirm your husband. For example: “Thank you for all that you do for me”; “I am so blessed that you are my husband”; “You did a great job on that project.” This communicates to him that you respect and believe in him.
- Thank God for Your Husband
During your morning prayer or evening examen, simply praise God for creating your husband and for giving him to you as your husband. Thank Him often for this gift.
- One Hidden Sacrifice for Your Husband
We sacrifice for that which we love. If we lack love, we should increase our sacrifice so that our love may increase. Each day, identify one small hidden sacrifice you can make on behalf of your husband. For example: skipping a meal, refraining from having a second morning coffee, social media fast, not complaining about children, situations, or difficulties, offering bodily pain and discomforts to God, picking up his shoes, socks, clothing without grumbling. Offer it to God secretly so that God’s love may fill your husband more and that your love for him may increase.
- Evening Examen on Prioritizing Your Husband
During your evening examen, first, place yourself in the presence of God the Father. Second, reflect on those aspects of your life that most demand your attention or that you find most desirable. Then ask God to help you see whether you have given the same attention to your husband’s desires and aspirations as to yours. If not, identify one of your husband’s desires and make it your own. Work at helping him to achieve that endeavor as though it were your own.
- Prayer with Your Husband
Each evening, spend several minutes in prayer with your husband. First, discuss beforehand what petitions the two of you have; second, pray together, voicing those petitions and last, end your prayer time by thanking God the Father for your marriage and ask His blessing to be upon it.
- Weekly Date Night
If your husband is to believe that he is most important in your life, your actions must reflect that reality. A wife demonstrates that her husband is her top priority (save God) by having a scheduled weekly date night. If a weekly date night is impossible due to the needs of small children or the lack of babysitting options, aim for every other week or at least once a month. First, establish the day and time for your date night. Second, keep it simple. It does not need to be expensive or extravagant. Third, silence all mobile devices or leave them in the car. Fourth, whether you are having a disagreement or the conversation is going well, rest in that time without cutting it short. During your date, reassure your husband that you believe in him, that you admire his strength (emotional, physical, spiritual), that you see the many ways he is sacrificing for the family, and by listening attentively without interrupting him; this demonstrates that you respect him.
- Ten Minutes of Daily Intentional Time with Your Husband
Toward the end of the day, pause, try to relax, and sit down with your husband for ten minutes or more. The purpose of this is, first, to discern how he is feeling—physically, emotionally, and psychologically—and second, by sitting with him, without distractions, to reassure him that you love him. Try to refrain from “fixing” his problems; rather, affirm his feelings, emotions and struggles.
- Fifteen Minutes of Time to Unwind After Work
When your husband returns home from work, give him some time to unwind and decompress. First, greet him when he comes home to assure him that you love him. Second, refrain from sharing the problems and dilemmas of the day. Third, give him fifteen to twenty minutes to be by himself. Then afterwards, he will be better prepared to listen to you and assist you.
- Protect Your Husband’s Devotional Life
First, do not expect or force your husband to pray the way you do. Second, allow him to follow his own spiritual path and respect his walk with the Lord. Third, do not ridicule him or belittle him or nag at him for not having intense devotion to God. Fourth, if he does desire to attend daily Mass, frequent the sacrament of Confession, or have time for prayer, do not deter him or make him feel guilty for this desire.
- Confess Your Sins Sacramentally
Make every effort to remain in a state of grace, and if you are not, sacramentally confess your sins as soon as you are able, so that you may become a channel of grace for your husband.
First, examine your conscience. Second, allow God to convict you of those behaviors and acts that are injustices against Him and His children. Third, “take with you words and return to the LORD” (Hos. 14:2)— that is, thoughtfully determine what you will say and sacramentally confess your sins and lastly, be certain to thank God for His mercy after completing your confession.
- Be Physically Intimate with Your Husband
Often a husband’s desire for physical intimacy is more intense than his wife’s. Yet it is important that a wife understand that this is a God-given need. If this need is not addressed it can become a significant source of frustration, causing him to feel disrespected, and potentially create distance between you and him. To renew your wedding vows by sexually affirming your husband, first, schedule a time that you plan to offer yourself to him. Second, give him cues that you are looking forward to that moment when you will be together. Third, during that time reveal yourself to him, trusting that he will receive you. By doing this consistently, his belief that you truly love him is confirmed.
- Communicating Difficulties Regarding the Marital Act
In our day and age, it is common that people have been wounded sexually and may have an aversion to sexual intercourse. If for whatever reason you feel an antipathy for having sexual intercourse with your husband, first, make every attempt to understand why you feel this way (this may involve therapeutical counseling); second, communicate to your husband that you love him and want to come together with him but that you are struggling in this area; and third, reassure him that your reluctance in this area has nothing to do with him.
- Don’t Assume Your Husband’s Needs—Ask Him
Often, we can assume that we know our husbands and what they need. Quite often, however, a husband buries his needs or fails to reveal his heart’s desires.
First, during your date night or evening ten-minute conversations, ask your husband how he is doing in the areas of his occupation, family, his hopes and aspirations and so forth. Second, ask him if there is anything you can do to help address his needs. Third, creatively and with intentionality, and without complaining or boasting, begin to address his needs. This communicates to him that you truly respect him.
- Affirm Your Husband in Front of Your Children
While your children are present, affirm your husband’s personality, his looks, or your admiration for one of his particular qualities. When you are with your children and your husband is not present, speak highly of him, intentionally admiring him. This speaks volumes to your children, increasing their respect and admiration for him.
- Daily Decade of the Rosary for Your Marriage
Pray the second Luminous Mystery of the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary: Christ transforms the water into wine at His Mother’s bidding. While reflecting on this mystery, pray that Our Lady will obtain from her Son the grace that the water of your marriage (your human efforts) will be transformed into wine—that is, the healing grace that unifies your marriage in a living reflection of Christ and His Church.
- Offering Oneself to God for One’s Husband
When you encounter difficulties relating to your husband, such as his lack of tenderness and gentleness, his lack of spiritual leadership, his lack of emotional interest, or an uneven interest between the two of you in physical intimacy, or the like, turn to the Blessed Mother asking her for the grace to remain at the foot of the Cross with Christ. Offer yourself, as Mary did, in union with Christ’s sacrifice, praying that the Father will bless your husband and your marriage. Additionally, He will change the way you see your husband. Often, for things to change, we need to change the way we see them.
- Ask Your Husband for Forgiveness
When you have had an argument or a disagreement with your husband, first, focus on your offense or negligence in the matter; second, claim or own your infraction; third, apologize to him.
When apologizing, however, refrain from saying only “I’m sorry,” as that is only a statement as to how you feel and allows you to retain control. Rather, always go on to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This is very humbling and meek, and it will give your husband the power to forgive.
Additionally, refrain from saying, “I was wrong, but you did . . .” When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, never point out your husband’s wrong, as that cheapens and undermines what ought to be an unstinting and unqualified action on your part. Allow him to claim his shortcomings himself rather than accusing him of them. All of this demonstrates respect for him and wins him over to love.
- Be Faithful to Your Marriage Vows
Whether you fall into financial, emotional, or sexual infidelity, make every effort to cease from the activity immediately. Remember that, in a mysterious way, as you and your husband gave life to your children, so also your sins and the consequences of them are transferred to your children. Seek a priest immediately and, if necessary, meet with a therapist. Often, immoral addictive behavior is the consequence of childhood wounds that have been buried rather than healed.
- (Bonus) Bring Infidelity to Light
If you have been or are unfaithful to your husband, meet with a priest as soon as possible. First, make the decision truly to repent of this sinful behavior. Second, confess your infidelity to a priest. Do not make excuses or blame your husband for your behavior. The sin is yours. Own it. Finally, ask your confessor whether you ought to disclose your infidelity to your husband. Be reconciled with God and trust that He will rebuild your marriage.
Begin Slow. Be Intentional.
God has designed marriage as the foundational relationship in which we can grow in self-knowledge by means of self-giving.
God has designed marriage, specifically your marriage, to be your path to heaven.
Don’t attempt to implement all these practices at once.
You will exhaust yourself and perhaps overwhelm your husband.
Each week begin to implement one, or perhaps two of these practices.
Don’t tell your husband what you are doing. Just do it…
Be intentional.
Your marriage is the most important relationship you have.
Show him that he is the most important person in your world.
Learn More About Building A Strong Catholic Marriage
Looking for a list to help husbands love their wives? Find it here!
